EP 75

welcome to the smiling at the future podcast. My name is Christi Rose and this is my pursuit to glean practical wisdom on femininity, homemaking, finances, relationships, and singleness from the God-fearing men and women in my life. Hope you enjoy this journey with me as we learn to smile at the future.

Welcome back, everyone. I’m very thankful that you chose to listen to another conversation on this podcast and would encourage you to share the specific episodes that you are being blessed by with your friends to help us extend the reach and impact of the truth shared here. There are some conversations that men would find helpful even in today’s episode. At the very end Jerry gives an exhortation to any of the male listeners who may be tuning in. So feel free to share this one with both single men. I have the honor of interviewing pastor, Jerry rag of Emmanuel Bible Church in Jupiter, Florida on the topic of discouragements that singles face. As you will soon hear, Jerry shares God’s word in a way that confronts our faulty thinking and as a result brings hope as we think about our circumstances more and more from God’s perspective and how he is continuing to work out his Redemptive purposes, even through our singleness.

So here is my conversation with pastor Jerry rag.

Thank you, Jerry, for being willing to have a conversation with me this morning and to help provide hope to these fears and discouragements that many of us single ladies encounter. But you are a new guest to this podcast, so I would love for the listeners to get to know a little about you. So I’m going to ask if you would introduce yourself this morning.

Sure, thank you, Christi, for having me on and so joy to be able to participate. My name is Jerry rag. I have the privilege of being part of the shepherding team here at Grace Emmanuel Bible Church in Jupiter, Florida. I am married 42 years with my wife, Louise. We have four married children and a bunch of little grandchildren grommets running around and some not so little anymore. Our oldest grandchild is about 17 and so all the way down to brand-new, and so we have been here in Jupiter, Florida for the last 22 years. Prior to that, I was in a ministry out in LA for about 15 years. And so we are loving the ministry here, able to also in God’s Providence, train men for ministry. We have Father Seminary which is a part of our ministry here and then is also connected to 11 other campuses for the seminary that are all over the United States. So our full speed, full throttle, if you will, ministry.

Well, I am just so thankful and so privileged that you would take the time to sit down with me today in the midst of everything you’re involved with and your own church and to do this ministry opportunity from afar and kind of out of your normal service context. But one thing that you have a reputation for is being a pastor who shepherds his flock well. You have all different people, all different life stages and all different types and kinds of trials. But I’ve heard that you’re just very adept at putting yourself in people’s shoes and bringing the word of God to a very practical personal level to meet their specific needs. And so I felt that this would be a good topic for you to help bring some hope and shed the light of God’s word on. So I’m just going to go right through our questions here and I’m excited to hear what you have to share.

But one of the things that can be a cause of discouragement for single women is the reality of loneliness. Can you share comfort from God’s word to women who are experiencing this today?

Well, of course, loneliness is a part of the human condition and everything contributes to some of the challenge there, from losing loved ones suddenly, no matter what relationship you’ve been in with them, to times and seasons in life when we don’t have what we see others have in their life, or we’re in a season where it seems a bit of a wilderness in terms of relationship. So as Paul said in First Corinthians 10:13, these are the tests of life that are common to man. I think that’s an important place to start regarding loneliness because I think sometimes in our infirmities and our trials and difficulties of life, we gravitate toward the idea unfortunately that we’re alone in it, not just alone in terms of our need to know that God is there, but somehow that this is not a common problem, that somehow our problems are deeper and more challenging. And so we have the added sense of isolation because we feel like no one can really understand, no one really comes alongside with anything that’s meaningful. And I think that’s a, you know, for singles who are suffering from loneliness, that’s the first place to begin in their examination of their own heart. How do I characterize the test? Because it’s important to have good perspective on the varied colored tests that come our way, as James calls them in James 1, the multiplicity of challenging tests that come our way, they are also common to man. So I’m not the only one that has my circumstances. The reason it’s important to keep away from that mindset, and not just because the Bible commands that we’re not to have that mindset, but also it keeps us from drifting into the second problem, and that is that God has somehow wronged us in it or left us without recourse or resources. So it’s just a good place to begin. If we’re talking about how do we have encouragement in a single life where we long for a season when we have a companion and God has not provided that yet or it’s not come about in his Providence, the long seasons of waiting leave us at times vulnerable to nurturing thoughts like that. That somehow heaven is silent, somehow no one understands, and even that leads to a prejudice against the season of life others are in, in marriage. We can sometimes in our single years, exacerbate the loneliness by looking at married people and not just having coveted what they have in a sinful way, but then we go from that to resenting what they have. It’s just good to remind ourselves, no, no. These are tests common to humanity and whatever loneliness I experience in my single life that I think would be eliminated with a companion, doesn’t mean tests are going to stop if I end up married soon. The same kind of tests are going to test my character in a marriage with a companion. So I ought to be careful never to go down that road in thinking that my circumstances are misunderstood by everyone, totally unique, or I can sit around with other singles who are lonely and commiserate. We can nurture each other’s loneliness, that’s not helpful. We need to repent of those perspectives because they’re not biblical.

But then, secondly, just kind of thinking our way through what the Bible commands us to have in every season of life and especially loneliness, and that’s hope—hope in God’s purpose in it, being the best possible purpose. I think that’s part of the struggle in a single person’s life, is that marriage is not the exception. Marriage is the rule in life, and yet here we live in the exception for now. And when you’re praying for marriage or companionship and you’re burdened about it and it’s on your mind, part of the reason is because it’s quite natural. If you don’t have the gift for singleness, à la First Corinthians 7, then you tend to naturally want the companionship. But the problem with that is that as you’re thinking about being alone, the idea is that this can’t possibly be the best path for your life as God would providentially have it.

Well, in Psalm 102, when the psalmist is pouring his heart out in his affliction, it’s interesting the metaphor he uses in the sixth and seventh verse because he’s actually expressing the matter of loneliness, strange because he mentions the pelican, as it’s translated some of the English translations, the pelican. “I resemble a pelican of the wilderness” verse 6 of Psalm 102. “I’ve become like an owl of the waste places. I lie awake; I have become like a lonely bird on a house top.” So he’s speaking here metaphorically of the loneliness and isolation that he’s experiencing. It’s quite normal then to express to the Lord the sense of loneliness, and we have that. However, the psalmist is very, very quick to say right out of the gate, “Lord, hear my prayer and let my cry for help come to You.” So now he’s pointing to the source of the help. That’s important because the loneliness we feel in our singleness cannot be solved by people, not even marriage. Lots of people are married and feel very lonely. Character is what makes singleness and marriage worthy seasons of life—character. And the psalmist is pointing out right away that if anyone can come to me when I feel like a lonely bird on a house top, it is the only source I have for dealing with this struggle, and that is my God.

Notice by the time he finishes describing and crying out in his loneliness and being honest about it, no sooner has he said that but in verse 12 he says, “But You, O Lord, abide forever, your name to all generations, you will arise and have compassion on Zion.” So this is all redemptive prayer and sentiment; he’s talking about his people. He’s talking about larger spiritual concerns than just himself. He’s not even saying, “Lord, solve my personal loneliness,” he’s saying, “Do your Redemptive work in the lives of your people.” You know, sometimes I’m thinking, how did he expect larger redemptive and salvific concerns to solve his personal practical loneliness? But that is the whole point he’s making. “You, O Lord, are enthroned forever, your renown endures through all generations.” He’s completely now taken his focus off his own personal loneliness and put it where it ought to be. Lord, if You’re still carrying out salvific purposes in the universe, then my personal season of life, especially singleness, isn’t what matters most. And I believe this is a crucial principle for the lonely: honest crying out to God, but a recalibrating of perspective that says, “Okay, whether God gives me a companion in life or not, I need to put my heart and my passions on the greater salvation work that he is doing around me and through me because that’s what matters in eternity. And if God can use me in this season of my life for greater salvific purposes and he’s left me at this point single for now, it doesn’t stifle my usefulness to God. It doesn’t stifle the fruit that I can bear for the greater goal, and that is the renown of God’s name through all generations, through his work.” And so redemptive purposes is where the psalmist solves his perspective problem, and suddenly he’s recalibrated his heart to the right thing and his loneliness now has context—a better, bigger context—like giving altitude to it, so it makes sense.

Yes, I love that. How a change of perspective can change your whole attitude in that experience and can be the thing that you need to provide hope. I also really appreciated, Jerry, how you talked about, there’s a way to express loneliness to the Lord and a way not to express it. We can be honest before the Lord, but as you said, we acknowledge that he’s the only one who can solve our loneliness. It’s not going to be fixed by a person, so understanding that he’s the true comfort and the true one who can fill that void in our hearts.

Now, sometimes when somebody prays that, Christi, and then they still feel lonely, the tendency sometimes is to wonder that God messed up. In other words, they prayed to him and that he somehow didn’t answer them. But when I say there’s a wrong way to speak honestly about your loneliness to God, it would be wrong to conclude that God has somehow lacked in any of his resource or his answers. Loneliness, when we take it before the Lord, what are we actually wanting to say to him? Are we going to him to say what the psalmist said: “Hear my prayer, Lord. Incline your ear to me. I’m crying out to you for help.” Well, if that’s true, then we have to be willing to acknowledge that whatever help God does give, that is the best help for us. But as James 4 warns, in the early part of James chapter 4, he said to the people of God, sometimes when you ask God for things, you don’t end up getting them because you’re asking for those things for yourself and not for his honor and glory. “You’re going to take what resources he gives you in asking for it, and you’re going to spend it on your own pleasures. So you don’t end up having it.” Why? Because the Lord is too determined that you would share in his holiness, is not about to give something that takes you further away from him.

Well, sometimes in singleness we actually can conceive of no other better answer than marriage. The thing about that is when the time comes for in God’s will and purposes for marriage to come, even if it involves things you had to find out that you have to change. When that time comes, it will be the best path. But until then, what we can’t do is say, “Lord, I’m lonely. Will you meet me in the loneliness?” And then because he doesn’t meet us in the way we have coveted—not just marriage, but comforting emotions that we want, or a kind words from some friend, or fill up our evening with, you know, more than silence. When we don’t experience those things, we can tend to then say, “Well, Lord, you didn’t answer my prayer with anything that truly comforted.” Well, that’s a faith problem. That’s a belief system problem. The Lord is not lacking in his resources. Furthermore, James 1 says in verse 5, that if you lack wisdom in facing trial, ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach. So sometimes we hear how he answers and we don’t think it’s wise. We think that what we wanted, the way we wanted it, was the wisest way to eliminate this problem we’re crying out to help for. And so what we have to realize is, no, God does not stingy. He gives comfort to the lonely generously and without reproach, but he’s not going to do it at the expense of your Christ-likeness or sharing in his holiness.

That is such a great point, Jerry, to draw your attention to the fact that God is most concerned with our holiness and Christ-likeness and will only give us those things that accomplish that purpose in our lives. Thank you for helping us re-shift our thinking to that. Another area for singles that can cause discouragement is what appears to be a lack of marriage-minded or, I could also put it, marriage-ready men in the church, and maybe there’s just a lack of men in their age range, as well. So how would you encourage the woman who is disheartened when she looks around her and kind of sees this lack in her context?

Well, that’s a great, great question and it comes up all the time, you know. Obviously we have biblical principles but they can be applied on a hundred different practical ways. So some of the ways that I first approach that is I want to ask the woman, a single woman, what she means when she says there’s a lack because I don’t often find that she’s mistaken. Sometimes she’s quite keen and wise and gives me really, really insightful answers and I can’t deny the truth of it. Sometimes that the men she’s observed are every bit worthy of the challenge or complaint. But sometimes when I ask single women, particularly those that are further along, they’re not in their early 20s or something right out of college, but a little bit further down the road, and when I ask them, I do sometimes find out that what they mean probably needs tweaking, because it’s probably mixed with, you know, there’s some circumstantial evidence and that’s true. Maybe it’s a set of bad interactions with some guys that has painted the grid through which she looks. Sometimes it’s false expectations that are unrealistic—and I don’t mean spiritual, although that can also be a problem—but I mean just expectations that she never really realized were personal, sometimes preferential, and so she measures the men around her in that way.

But I would say, one of the biggest problems, quite honestly, Christi, that I find is that sometimes singles are looking without evaluating what sinful fears and insecurities that they have that are influencing the standard that they want in a guy. When you’ve been alone a long time, lived with yourself a long time, and haven’t been living with a man 24/7 where your preferences and personal likes and insecurities all get threatened and right out front, it’s a little difficult to be completely objective when looking for a potential suitor, and sometimes women have a standard. And again, I want to look at the other side of it because I think you’re right, I sometimes get really insightful answers about what’s wrong with guys right now that can be discouraging. But what I always begin here with women is: “What is it you mean when you say they’re not around, they’re not marriage-minded? What is it you believe ought to be? How did you come to believe that? What is it you are thinking would be essential? What are the things you’re willing to live with, and how does it manifest something about your—what does it manifest in terms of your insecurities and how you’re trying to guarantee something so that you don’t get your fears threatened?” And let’s face it, the older you are when you’re single, there’s a reason the stereotypical statements of being set in your ways is there, because it is harder to adjust the more you’ve lived without the companion 24/7. It’s harder. It’s not impossible; in fact, it’s never impossible and it’s wonderful to finally be in a relationship with a companion of your life, no matter what age. That’s a great gift from the Lord. But I’ve also dealt with a lot of older singles groups and older singles, and there’s a reason some of them aren’t yet married. And it isn’t merely that God is doing a work and his Providence is at work. Sometimes it’s because they have things in their thinking that could probably use a little more—well, the way to say it is a little less of their own personal preferences mixed in there that they have turned into principles and standards.

Now, the risk of that being a discouragement rather than an encouragement, which your question was, how can you encourage women who see these problems in practice? But I had to start there, sorry, because I do think that that is an important area of shepherding for the single person, but especially single women, because they do have fears and insecurities that they want a leader to fulfill a leadership role in their life, but not necessarily used to being vulnerable and under someone whose leadership is flawed. So sometimes the grid they have is a little more personal and preferential than it is principally based, but they don’t think so.

But then on the other front, guys that aren’t marriage-minded—I’m really watching this now in my fourth decade of ministry. I do see that so much, you know, despite sometimes people being saved later in life, but particularly, you know, guys that have been saved for five or more years and they’re still single and they’re in the church. I do see, unfortunately, how they’re still trying to battle old habits of superficial relationship dynamics, their own sanctification regarding lust and cravings. They’ve been battling the purity issue as a man for a long time and still, no canyon to enjoy the fruits of marriage with. And so it’s interesting: for a woman, it seems the longer she’s single, the more she gets after the spiritual disciplines that would make for a wonderful season of life. The longer a man is single, sometimes it seems the weaker he is becoming because he’s not facing the character things, he’s just self-pitying a lot. That doesn’t mean that, you know, the genders are completely distinct that way. Both men and women can self-pity and both men and women can be spiritually disciplined. But I think what you’re seeing and your question reveals is that quite often in churches, unless there are pastors and shepherds and leadership boards and older men—even married men—who can understand the plight and the difficulty and help these men in the church become godly, it is common for the church to have older singles groups where men are selfish and don’t want to deal with those things. And when they get into a relationship, if the woman shows any sign of having thoughts of her own, it’s sad, but they close down any effort. And then of course, superficial things like attractions. I’ve noticed more and more in these last 10 years the way the world’s view of sexuality and attraction has been so entrenched in so many men who then come to Christ, and they just can’t think their way through the balance of natural attraction but then thinking about character beyond that. And a lot of their natural attraction is cluttered with worldly thinking about those things. Women tend to be much more relationally interested, much more wanting to be connected to a person in relationship, even though, you know, they might struggle with lust and loneliness and the lack of intimacy and things like that, sure. But a woman as she gets a little bit further down the road in her singleness is going to go after the relational dynamic much, much more intensely, whereas a man is often, you know, battling the worldly thinking regarding human sexuality or lust or just the way someone looks and their attractions are cluttered with that.

The encouragement side of it would be this: if a woman knows that it’s hard to find a good guy who’s got a marrying mindset in the church, at least on the front end of it, she is thinking rightly, so she’s not in danger of compromising godly principles just to deal with her being lonely. So that’s an encouragement to her. She’s seeing what she ought to be seeing. It may be a discouraging landscape, but she ought to find encouragement that she’s discerning enough to see that and not on the fringe or on the cusp of compromise. Secondly, what she can do in her prayer life is she can find the least problematic of the prospects and begin to say, “Lord, could it be?” We’re just going to pray about the men in the church, the leaders of the church, but then not even pick out a couple that I think might be potential to start praying for them that You would accelerate and deepen their walk with You. Because I’m a sister in Christ and I can pray for them. I know sometimes women don’t want to do that because then they will be vulnerable to creating and then more disappointment if it doesn’t work out, but I think that’s good for a single to pray for the others that the Lord would grow them. All they’re looking for is clarity, not that they have to pick out the person and then manipulate it to work. They just need to pray for God’s clarity. “Lord, could it be that that person that I see some qualities in? I won’t pine away for them till You tell me that You indicate that there’s some interest there, but I do want to pray for them because they are potential. They are potential.”

And then I do believe on a third practical level, Christi, that singles ought to spend time with leaders of families and their wives, where that man and woman who has been a wife can take up the call to come alongside that single, and that man can begin to understand who that single is and he can look among those he disciples and begin to in his mind see his way to find a potential suitor. I’ve always believed in the proactive, not the cheesy matchmaking stuff, not the experimental stuff, because that’s no help. But leaders in marriages where the man is living the kind of leadership life and married life that the single woman admires, and then that man and that wife can learn that single woman, what she’s like, and they’ve got friends, and God has used my wife and I in our homes so often the network and friendships we have to start putting someone on our mind and heart to think about and pray about for someone that’s in our life—that single woman that’s in our lives or a single man that’s in our life. And often singles don’t do that. They don’t want anyone to know how lonely they are. They feel stigmatized as it is because everyone’s married. Some—I’ve even heard some singles say—”Being around married people just makes me more discouraged.” And I keep thinking, “Well, but remember if you’re putting your hope in the Lord and content with his Providence, wouldn’t you want to have some advocates? Some people who know you and who are in that season of life, they understand marriage. They now know you and they’re praying for you and they’re advocates for finding a potential suitor.” I mean, of course. And if it’s too much of a struggle because being around their companionship makes you long for it, well now you get the joy of thanking God for them and for their marriage, and then also realizing the closer you get the more you see that marriage isn’t easy. That’s why I think an older couple that is married can tell you the realities of urgent helps single people not paint the idea of a companion with colors that are probably not honest. You know what I mean?

Oh, I agree. And I found that to be even helpful for myself, to see marriage is another avenue for our sanctification, just like singleness is. I also like the word “advocates” that you use to describe the assistance of others in helping you find a life partner. But there is a concern among some women that they will be classified in the “desperate” category if they try and ask for help in this area of life.

I totally get that and my heart goes out to them. I do sometimes think that is a good word, not a bad word, because I think to be desperate before the Lord to have your prayers answered is commended in scripture. To be desperate to manipulate for a spouse to comfort your loneliness is a bad, bad version of it. But I do believe that while we may not use those words so as not to confuse, I do believe that a single woman who wants to be married is going before the Lord and saying, “Lord, I’m desperate to pour out my love on a family and upon a husband. You know my desperation.” I mean, the women in the Old Testament whose God providentially allowed to be barren, they went before the Lord desperate for children, and they weren’t ever chided for being desperate for what is natural. And I think a single woman around a family can get to the place where she can tell that family, “Hear my burdens, and I am desperate for a companion. I’m not going to compromise. It’s not a desperation of the flesh—I just have to have my loneliness swallowed up. It’s I’m desperate before the Lord to bear fruit in that season of life if the Lord should give me the privilege.” And I think that’s an important perspective to lay out there with people you trust in the church who can take up that cause to pray with you. I’ve seen so many, you know, comforted, contented, some still single, some end up married, but my wife and I have been sanctified in our own understanding of God’s power and grace through helping with that kind of relationship.

Yeah, thank you for leading by example in that way. And I, yeah, just encouraged to hear how you and your wife have done that. Another thing that can be a point of uncertainty and discouragement for single women is to find clear purpose in life outside of the defined roles of wife and mom. And this is something I talk about often with different friends. We’re all unsure of where do we invest our life? How do we do that? We long for marriage, we long for investing in that specific way, but when the Lord has not provided that, some of us can feel a little lost in what that looks like in our lives. So how would you encourage the woman who finds herself in that place?

Well, first of all, we are commanded—Psalm 96 being one of the most important ones—but we are commanded to tell the nations of the wondrous deeds of the Lord. And so I can’t imagine a greater purpose for a single than to speak of what the Lord is doing in their life in this season that isn’t what they—it isn’t what they pray would continue. They pray for marriage. They pray for a change of season and a companion. But I can’t think of a greater purpose for any Christian than to tell of the wondrous deeds that the Lord is doing in our lives. And it’s interesting to me, Christi, that single men and women know this already, because if someone—you know, a loved one, doesn’t matter whether they’re married or single—if they go through a trial, someone contracts cancer or an affliction or sudden loss of some kind, and they’re laying there recovering from these things, and you’re sharing together about what the Lord is doing in the trial, no one questions whether or not you’re going to have an opportunity to share with others. Sure, trauma, sudden trauma, sudden loss, difficulty is a shock. My wife and I lost our first child, and we couldn’t have possibly known all the purposes in life that God would use it for. But it wasn’t long after, you know, knowing the Lord and processing all that through the grid of Scripture, it wasn’t long before we understood, “Oh, we get to share the wondrous deeds of the Lord that have occurred through that one event, just that one event.” Well, I would say that the principle of telling of the wondrous deeds of the Lord, it would be sad to abridge the wondrous deeds by relegating them merely to those kinds of periods. Isn’t married life filled with the wondrous deeds of the Lord that we can share? Isn’t single life filled with the wondrous deeds of the Lord that we can share? So, you have people to influence in your singleness by recognizing what God is doing through your singleness to bear fruit for him that remains, speaking of it like Jesus in John 15. He longs for us to bear fruit in whatever season we’re in, and then that fruit should remain. So, you have fruit to bear. And I think sometimes singles are fixated on their singleness being some sort of subcategory, some sort of—it’s not quite as spiritual as other people. We are stigmatized. We carry around this sort of limbo status, and that’s a mistake. In fact, the Apostle Paul, when talking about singleness in First Corinthians 7, made it very, very clear that “the unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord.” Interesting contrast: “The one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife.” What an interesting way to say that. We don’t ever talk about First Corinthians 7:33 like that. If you’re single, you talk about marriage like it is the only way to bear fruit. It is the privilege upon privilege until you get married. You’re sort of in this sputtering limbo of unusefulness and stigma. And yet the Apostle Paul elevates the years of being unmarried as free from concerns that take away from fruitfulness at times. He said, “Really, he does.” He means it takes away from capacity in marriage in terms of capacity compared with the singleness has. The single life: “undistracted devotion.” Yes, there is a category for it, and Paul outlines it right there. And so he said, “Man, if you’re unmarried or you even have, like I do, the gift of that, you’re concerned about devotion to the Lord without all of the distracted earthly concerns of taking care of another person in that way that marriage demands.” So again, just putting it practically to the question that you asked. I think sometimes, I think sometimes telling of the wondrous deeds that are occurring during singleness, it’s not to be abridged. It’s not to be viewed as second-class. It is to be viewed as free from some things. In fact, I’ve often wondered why I never hear from a single how burdened they are for marriages, even godly marriages, that “you don’t get to do all the things for the Lord that a single person does.” I’ve often wondered why we don’t hear that. We never hear that single people are saying, “Wow, you know, as much as I want to be married, I get to do so much more for the Lord than you get to do.” Of course, I know what they would mean. They don’t mean that you don’t do things for the Lord in marriage. But Paul’s words here, the implication is that he, as a single man, did not have other lives that were personally demanding things of his time and relational energies so that he was more free to concern himself with a wider, broader, and deeper work for the Lord outside of the context of marriage. “Undistracted” is a good translation, but I also like “free from concern about those earthly horizontal things.” Both please the Lord. But I think singleness is sometimes viewed as a second-class option, and so you’re sort of in limbo until it ends. But I really think the single person ought to think, “No, no. How often do I tell of the wondrous deeds that God is doing in this season of my life? When I’m praying for marriage, boldly asking people to help me find the right suitor if God should so will it, but also in the meantime, I’m free from the concerns. God obviously knows I’m more useful without those concerns right now, and I want to tell of those wondrous deeds.”

So, so helpful, Jerry, and it just makes me think about putting on that heart of thankfulness and joy and instead of always leaning into sharing the hardships of singleness with other people, but yeah, sharing the joys and the excitement of what God can do in that specific season of your life. And if you get into that practice, then that’s a habit that you can cultivate in every season of life because there will be hardships in marriage. And so do you dwell on that, do you highlight those things, or do you highlight the good and what God’s doing and the excitement of his plan in that? So, so crucial. I think sometimes single people become idolatrous because they’re not thinking about that. It leads to an idolatry of marriage instead of a thankfulness for the season you’re in. I just would have to say on a personal testimonial level that the singles who have been a part of our family life, the ministry and kindness and testimony of faith that they have been to our family through the years have strengthened my wife and I in Christ. Most single people do not believe they can strengthen the faith of a married couple because it’s assumed that until you’re married, you’re not going to mature as you would if you were in marriage. And certainly there’s truth to the reality that being married sanctifies you in a unique way. But to imagine that a single person can’t encourage the faith and even strengthen the faith of a married couple would be to miss the whole way that the Lord uses you in your season of life. If you can be concerned about the things of the Lord and how you may please the Lord, quite often you can pull a husband and wife in your relationship with them, pull them out of their self-absorption and out of their complaining about the oops of marriage and parenting and show them that devotion to Christ is attainable at new levels. And my wife and I have been super encouraged by the godly singles that we’ve had around us. Some to this day God has kept single, and others have married at some point, and they always have been a blessing to us because we remember how they lived as a single person, concerned about what pleases the Lord in a way we weren’t yet mature enough to do.

That’s truly amazing to think that we, as singles, can have that impact on a married couple. And that’s a beautiful picture of how the body of Christ works. We all need each other. I’m just going to move right along here to another question that singles interact with, or a discouragement or something that can be difficult, is sometimes we can feel a little out of place in social contexts. Being maybe not very many other singles around us, we can feel that, yeah, that we’re just—we’re the anomaly. So how would you encourage the woman who walking into contexts like that is a struggle every time and she feels that insecurity?

Well, again, this is going to be a common battle for any human being because we all have areas we’d like to keep hidden: weaknesses, infirmities, limp areas of struggle and insecurities that we don’t want people to see. But I’ve always believed that as the Scriptures teach, love is not self-absorbed. Love is not easily provoked. Love essentially moves toward the difficult situations and people. So the way for a single to grow is to look at what’s out in front of them circumstantially as an opportunity to move toward what makes them feel vulnerable so that they might grow in their trust in the Lord’s provision and the Lord’s protection. The reason insecurities in us exist is because we have not believed God to fully take care of us. And so we self-preserve, we self-protect. As your question, when you sent them to me, indicates, we attach our personal fulfillment and identity to such things. Our identity as Christians is bound up in this great union we have with Christ (Romans 6), and apart from him we can do nothing (John 15). And because that’s the case and then we’re commanded to love like he loved, we are to move toward difficult circumstances that put us in a state of vulnerability so that we are put in the position to believe God and his protection and his preservation—that’s how we grow. So when you feel out of place, you don’t leave that context, you move toward it. When you are wondering about how you’re perceived by people, you don’t hide from it, you move toward it. If you want to grow in your faith, there’s only one way to grow in your faith, and that is to experience vulnerability so that—and we all have them—so that you are put in a position in a place where all you have is promise from God, not explanations. It’s not guarantees the circumstances will change, not your emotional protection because you don’t want to be hurt or traumatized. Nope. The way to grow in your faith is embrace those difficult situations, trusting that God is your identity. He is the protector and preserver of your life and how you’re perceived; he’s the vindicator of his people.

And that perspective then helps you then to do what the Bible commands out of love. You go serve other people. It wasn’t a circumstance on the earth with our Savior from his incarnation all the way to the resurrection that he did not experience human vulnerability. He experienced all of it. He was rejected by his people. He had disciples that perceived him a certain way, the wrong way. He was perfect but called a sinner. He was—they were hostile to him, even though all he ever did was love people. I mean, his own nation rejected him. And by the time he got to the cross, you can’t get any more vulnerable than having been rejected as a guilty, vile sinner by your own Heavenly Father, though you’re innocent. There’s no greater vulnerability than that. And yet because of the joy set before him, he embraced his purpose, went toward the cross, thought that the shame of it was far less of an issue than what it would accomplish. And I think that principle that is given to us in Hebrews 12: “Fixing your eyes on Christ, the author and perfecter of our faith. Consider him who endured such treatment that we don’t lose heart.” And that principle is what drives the vulnerable, insecure person to greater faith in Christ. It’s when you go toward the vulnerability and insecurity, the circumstance you don’t like, that you feel unprotected, and you go toward it, like the psalmist in Psalm 23: “I am in the valley of the shadow, but I fear no evil.” Why? Because he was not there? Nope. “You are there. I’m in the valley of the shadow, but You are with me.” And that is my refuge. I think for a single woman, especially around contexts in the church where it’s awkward, married people say awkward things, and then being invited to things that aren’t your favorite because it’s filled with married people, or worse, invited to a place with a bunch of singles, all look like it’s a meat market and you’re just an object. It’s all singles—who wants to be there? I mean, but we have to think what would love do? Love like Christ moved toward the vulnerability for the joy that it could accomplish in me and in my faith and in my walk with Christ, but also in those that God wants to use me to serve.

So appreciate your perspective on it. It just creates the freedom to love others when we can get away from the bondage that that can create. And going towards those contexts or opportunities that we know will be difficult can, like you said, grow our faith and trust in the Lord’s promises, which I just love how you said that. So thank you.

You’re welcome. And can you imagine by the time God, if it is Providence, gives you a mate, but that’s how you’ve been living. Wow. Can you imagine what you’d bring into a family then? How profound would your faith be and the impact it would have on a man and potential children? So, so, so good.

I know many women who are now in their, you know, 30s and 40s and have been praying and hoping for marriage for a long time. And yeah, it can be discouraging when you’re bringing that request repeatedly to the Lord and you’re kind of losing heart in the waiting. Can you offer some help or hope for the woman who is losing heart?

Yeah, I think it’s like anything, any prayer we’ve asked the Lord for that he’s not fulfilling in the practical ways we’re asking for. We’re called to pray for them. We’re called to be persistent. We’re called to be practical and specific, all those wonderful petitions we lay before the Lord. Sometimes we view God as wanting us to bring our requests because we assume he’s going to answer them in some way related to what we imagine or hope. Actually, prayer is primarily number one because God commanded it for his glory. So it’s for his glory to lay our petitions before him. Number two is to increase our thankfulness to him. Philippians 4, you’re to be “anxious for nothing, but by prayer and supplication and with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” And then he says the peace that surpasses our grasp “guard your heart and mind.” So the point of laying our singleness before the Lord and our desire for marriage before the Lord over your season of life, or as long as you’re single, even if it’s for the rest of your life, the point of it is God is glorified when I’m reaching to him with my needs. God is glorified when I’m thankful for that privilege, because that thankfulness swallows up my anxiety. And thirdly, clarity is what I’m after, not marriage. I’m after clarity on the Providence of God for my life. So I lay my desires before the Lord, but he over time is shaping my faith and my perspective so that I’m aligned with what will bring him most glory. And sometimes he answers our prayers close to the specifics that we’ve asked or even right at the specificity we asked. But he also is carrying out the counsel of his will. And sometimes the answer to our prayers is completely foreign to what was in our mind through the years that we laid the request out to him. But clarity is what we’re looking for. I mean, it’s very interesting that when David was praying for he and Bathsheba’s first child, I mean, he is in the prayer closet. He is in the throes of burden and agony. He is laying it before the Lord. And then when the baby died, the Lord took him. David gets up, wipes his tears off, takes a shower, gets on his garments for his typical duties. So much was he a changed countenance that his friends said, “What are you doing? Your child just died. God didn’t answer your prayer.” And David’s answer was very clear. “Yes, he did. I got the clarity that I desired. The Lord’s answer was what it is, and he is always right. He’s never wrong.” And I think the longer we pray for something that hasn’t come about in the way we envision, the reason we lose heart is because God is wanting to tweak our vision, make us more thankful, cause our faith to swallow up our anxieties and fears, and not to miss the answer that he’s giving, but to literally trust him that clarity is clarity until it changes. And so sometimes a woman has to say, “Look, I’ve been praying for this for so long. It’s been years.” We have to think, “Years of what? Years of confusion, or years of growth and years of clarity? Are you more thankful and less anxious, guarded in your heart and mind from faithlessness, or are you strengthened in those things even though you still pray for marriage?” So I think your prayers have to change in their maturing as your faith grows. And then the “lose heart” threat won’t be as great. You don’t end up losing conviction; you actually are more and more aligned with God’s purposes. So the contentment grows even though you’re still praying for what you long for. Quite often, all we have in our mind, even the longer we pray, is, “This is what I’ve been praying for and it hasn’t happened.” And the Lord, he has said in his word, and it’s a constant reminder to us, that his perfect will is the best path for our life. And his Providence is his unfolding sovereign will. I think the next thought sometimes in a single is, “Really, I’m going to have to be single forever. Is that it?” And I think they have to go right before the Lord and say, “Well, that’s my flesh talking. That’s not the spirit. The spirit wouldn’t produce, you know. I might go before you and say I’m weak and I’m faint of heart. Give me strength because this is where my flesh goes.” But they won’t stay there because like Asaph when he was looking at the prosperity of the world and looking at his own life and self-pitying, then he came into the sanctuary of God (Psalm 73:17) and then his perspective changed. I think if a woman is praying, she’s before the throne of God, how could she then come out of that with less conviction and lost heart? Well, it must be that she’s praying and expecting the Lord to give her the answer the way she wants. But she ought to be saying, “Lord, give me strength to want your clarity, not the answer the way I want it. And thank you for giving me the privilege of saying it over and over again in prayer to you, Lord, that I want a husband, because you’re shaping me in the fact that I don’t have a husband, but I want one. That’s growing me. And I don’t know what the future holds. I’m going to keep praying for what I want. You told me to. I’m free to do that. But I can’t come up from my knees losing heart because that must mean that I’m taking my prayer and I’ve not made it with thankfulness and it’s not guarding my heart and mind, but I’m anxious because you’re not giving me what I—what I want—the version I want.”

And that was my next question: how would you encourage ladies to be praying during this season of singleness for themselves? And we already talked about praying for the single men around us. So are there specific things that you would encourage us to be praying about for them?

As I said earlier in dialogue, the prayers for godly men to find a wife, which is a good thing, especially to be under good mentoring of godly men in the church. I think that is a constant prayer need, because I do think singles, both men and women, but quite often, as you said, I think it’s common among men. They’re single longer than they would have needed to be because they have not really—I mean, I deal with older single guys all the time and I sometimes find myself, Christi, saying to them very, very hard things about the way they live their life. And I don’t mean overtly sinful guys or the least mature. I mean guys that have made a lot of progress, but I still have to say to them, “You know, how would a woman receive your maturity if she were around you when you are so fixated on things that won’t grow you as a Christian? They will only lead to superficiality or weakening convictions.” So I think a single woman should pray for her Christian brothers in the church who need—they don’t have the gift of singleness and yet they need to have God move in their life in a way that calls them up to a greater diligence and make themselves then available for the next season.

And then I think women need to, as I said, find the guys they think are most potential in the latent, you know, put it before the Lord, say, “Lord, I don’t know what your purposes are, but I’m attracted to this guy or that guy. Could it be that a relationship could be established or a friendship? I won’t manipulate it. I’m going to call upon you to bring it about. But I will let some mature friends of mine know that I noticed this person. And if they could get to know them for me and do some Intel for me, I think that’s a very practical thing to do as you pray.” It’s protecting, it’s protective. I’m all for the, you know, gathering Intel. I mean, social media, are you kidding? You can find out what a person is all about just about two shakes with a couple social media interests. You find out a lot. And my wife and I do that all the time. Somebody will come to us, a single person, say—well, because we’ve asked them to, you know, “If you see somebody, notice them,” and they’ll come and say, “I’ve noticed this person. Do you know anything about them?” And I’ll start researching it so they don’t have to. Then I’ll do some initial work on the front end and, you know, in a roundabout way find out what’s going on in their life, who’s discipling them, are they growing. And then sometimes if interest is there, I’ll just go right up and ask him, “Are you interested? There’s somebody that has noticed you.” And if you’re not interested, great. “But I’d like to suggest possibly, having looked into your growth and who you are, that you might open the door for an initial interaction.” We’ve done that a lot and I think that’s a worthy pursuit for singles with some help from those they trust.

Yeah, I love all the practical aspects of the things you’re sharing, Jerry. And yeah, I agree wholeheartedly that I would love to see more discipleship in this area in churches in general, and godly men taking up the call to mentor younger men and women in this area and helping them think biblically of what they should be looking for and praying for, and who they should be considering, and helping refine their preferences and just getting a good idea of what is actually important in marriage and makes the biggest difference, because that’s uncharted territory for singles. So they have an idea maybe of what they think they need or want, but married people have that—have that walk of experience, and they can share those nuggets of wisdom with the singles around them.

There are—so this podcast is for single ladies, but we do have a number of single men who tune in and listen. Would there be anything you would want to share with the men that are listening today?

Well, apart from what they might have gleaned as they’re hearing the answers to the previous questions, I would say that men today probably end up when they come to Christ suddenly in the body of Christ and in the church with layers upon layers of wrong ideology, wrong thinking about relationships, about love, about marriage and responsibility, but even more so about the long-term fruitfulness of a godly man in a family’s life and the gospel influence that comes about from it. And so what I always like to say to the young man is, you’ve got to think long-term. I don’t mean where you’re at, looking out into the future and saying what could be. I mean do what we used to do in the military when we lost an airplane on radar. We would draw a dotted line because of the course and speed they were on, and if they stayed on that course and speed, where they would end up, and whether it would be profitable for the objective or whether it would be harmful or disastrous. And I’ve told young men, “Look, your current course and your current life, your choices, if you’ve taken your cues from culture at all, or how you grew up, or mistakes you made, and suddenly you find yourself in a good Bible-teaching church or in a body of Christ, and who knows how many years you’ve wasted. But here you are.” Then take a dotted line, if you will, metaphorically, and draw your current life out further. You cannot have the things that every growing Christian man would want if you continue on your current course. So what I’m trying to do is raise the stakes and bring the seriousness to what men are called to be in Scripture. We are made to work for the glory of God. As men, we are made to lead and protect and provide for. We are made to build a family after having left our father and mother to cleave to a wife, God providing us with marriage. Even in the meantime, we are made to be an influence for Christ-likeness. As we make good leadership decisions, we’re made to take responsibility for the course of our lives and how it influences other people. We have an extra burden as men that women were not given, and we must give an account to those things. So, according to your current trajectory and lifestyle, what will it look like in 20, 30 years if you kept on this course? And then find the mentor you admire the most in a marriage or a man who’s godly, and ask them how it is they came to bear the fruit that they bear in their life, and ask if you currently are even cultivating the raw materials for that. So I’ve said to young men or singles, “Doesn’t matter their age, you can’t have what you will not today prepare for. You can’t have it, and you won’t. There’s no way around it. You will reap what you sow,” as Galatians says. And so I would encourage the young men listening to your podcast: be burdened for single women. If you long for companionship, get with some men who can help you see what your trajectory is like and where it’s going to lead. And then ask what you really want. Ask if the two match, and if they don’t, then how have you helped the body of Christ? How will you bear fruit for the Lord that remains? If God wanted to give you a companion because you’re not gifted for singleness and you want a companion, how could he give you one of these ladies? How could she—she trusts you, if she doesn’t see the raw materials being nurtured with an urgency and a passion, especially in the times in which we currently live. So that would be my encouragement to the men.

Thank you, Jerry. I appreciate you spelling that out so clearly, and yeah, that can just fuel our prayers as women for the men around us that God would just continue to work on them and work on us so we’re not looking around and thinking that the blame falls in one camp, but we are all desiring to grow together as brothers and sisters in Christ and help each other in that pursuit. So I so appreciate your encouragement today, the hope that you brought to bear on these questions and discouragements that many of us face. And I’m just excited to hear the impact that it has on the listeners as they apply God’s word very practically to these areas of their life. Thank you, Christi, I appreciate the privilege.