EP 59

Christi: Welcome to the smiling at the future podcast. My name is Christi Rose and this is my pursuit to glean practical wisdom on, femininity homemaking, finances relationships, and singleness from the God-fearing men and women in my life. Hope you enjoy this journey with me as we learn to smile at the future.

Christi: Hi ladies. If you don’t already follow us on Instagram, head on over there and do that. We post quotes from the episodes and also give you a sneak peek of the upcoming topics and questions. Plus, we are starting something new and we’re going to be doing some meetups where we can gather and encourage each other and locations and dates. For those will be posted there as well. And if you don’t have Instagram, you can email me at smiling at the future podcast at gmail.com, to get info on those.

Christi: It is such a privilege to have Chris Hamilton back with us and he is tackling the delicate topic of our relationship with our parents as adults. He covers more challenging issues that some have to navigate but also encourages all of us with what honoring our parents entails. So here again is Chris Hamilton.

Christi: Well, here we are again, Chris and I’m truly humbled that you would sit down with me on this podcast to share on another very practical, life topic, our relationship with our parents. I’ve been really looking forward to this conversation. We’ve gotten questions from the listeners, but before we dive into those, would you please introduce yourself to us?

Chris: Yeah, I eat. You see, you’re humbled. I’m amazed that you would invite me back. I always am so grateful to be here and really honored and humbled by your request that I sit down with you again. I always enjoy it.

Chris: My name is Chris Hamilton. I am a father of three daughters married to an I jumped right to the daughters because of the topic today and I serve in a singles Ministry at Grace Community Church called a foundation Bible study. And I also serve in the nursery every week with two and a half, Groans. It’s one of the Great Joy has become one of the great joys of my life. So and I’m an accountant, I am. I forensic accountant just finished a day of forensic accounting and now I’m going to get go from the Absurd to the exciting. So here we are.

Christi: This topic is just one that can be sensitive and tender for many people. And so Chris, you and I both come to the table to come to this discussion, understanding that, and we’re going to do our best to approach this in a gentle and understanding way. And I can’t think of a more gracious person to speak on this topic than yourself. You balance speaking, the truth in love so well so I am excited to throw these questions at you and to learn some wisdom today.

Christi: So our first question is, how does our relationship with our parents change over the span of our lifetime, from Cradle to grave?

Chris: And that’s a big question. And, you know, I know personally as everyone who’s listening, the answer to this question because we all are living it, you know, my dad. I have no recollection of the beginning of my relationship with my father, but I very viscerally, remember the end of it and the last conversation I had with him and then he was gone. And you know, the that was 20 years ago and I still feel it to this day and that’s the story of some of us, Christi. I know you have experienced that and some who are listening here. Today, look that’s in the future. The end of that relationship is in the future and I guess in some ways, I want to help prepare all of us for the end of that relationship.

Chris: At the beginning of life, in biblical terms, there is no question that Relationship with our parents is to obey them and in biblical terms at the end of life and of their life, our role is to honor them. And the question is really when does that change? How does that change? Where you go from being in total obedience to your parents. To not necessarily and I’m going to make this case here in a minute. No requirement to obey them but definitely Is a command to honor them.

Chris: It’s difficult for parents to navigate that, I say that as a parent. It’s difficult for children to navigate that, but the command to obey your parents, there’s no question about that it does. And, you know, think about this, I brought little babies home from the hospital, and I’ve made the observation they couldn’t hit that their first day of life, they could not have disobeyed me. If they wanted to, they were little blobs, they were put in their back. Senator their crib and if I told them stay there, they would have stayed there because they had no ability to do any different that really quickly changes to Children testing the command to obey, Mom and Dad.

Chris: They also have nobility when when they first arrived on this Earth to honor their mom and dad and that quickly changes. And so through life, the ability to choose to Obey, and disobey grows and the ability to honor or dishonor. Mom and dad also grows.

Chris: And when I say that the command to obey your parents ends, I say that because it is really clear in scripture at the beginning of life that you are to obey, but it’s not clear at the end. In fact, it’s not clear that you must obey them at the end, you can. But there is not that command in part of how we know that is that when Christ Is on Earth, and he was confronting religious leaders of his day about their unrighteousness. He was talking to adult men and he never quoted the command to them, to obey their parents. He always quoted Exodus 20:12 and other passages like that. But from the Old Testament law that said, honor your father and mother and these religious leaders knew that really well. And from that you can infer since Christ never was explaining their unrighteousness. Righteousness to them in that they didn’t obey their mother and father, it was that they were not honoring their father and mother so that that in short and there’s so much more we could say about it. But that’s why we say at the end of life, at some point in your life you’re called to honor your parents and the authority to require The Obedience of a child is delegated to parents and And that is like all other authority. It’s well defined in scripture and it in this case, it is clear and by the end of life, as a parent, I have no authority to require the honor of my children. That is a command that is given to children and I have nothing to do with it.

Chris: If my three daughters chose not to honor me. I have no authority to go to them and say you must honor me. They must make that Decision. And in the same way I must make that decision to honor my mother and father, so obedience I think everybody knows what that is. That’s at the beginning of Life. The relationship with the parent changes to you need to give you must give them honor. And I wanted to find that a little bit, honor means to give preference to them and the Bible’s really descriptive. All the people were called to honor were called honor. The Lord, in fact, probably 39 says, we’re to honor the Lord from our wealth, where to honor the king. It says, in First Peter 3, I am to honor my wife. Hebrews 13 talks about that were to honor widows were to honor old people were to honor of spiritual leadership, Psalm 15 talks about those with Integrity honor. Those who fear the lord Hebrews 13 says, we’re to honor marriage and then in case there’s any question first Peter, 19 says, if in case anybody is left out of that, it says to honor all people. In fact, that verse says, to honor all people love the Brotherhood, fear God, honor the king as Believers, we are to be honoring other people in the Bible. That’s a verb. It’s not a noun. It’s not. I don’t get honor because of when I say that it’s not a noun because I’m a father and a grandfather that does not mean that Is honor. Honor is a verb. It’s an action. It is what people do towards other people. They give preference to other people. I cannot require anybody to honor me. You can’t require anybody to honor you. It is something that I must do towards other people.

Chris: And the Bible says you’re known by what and who you honor I already talked about Psalm 15. It says to honor those who fear the lord and that word. Honor means to give weight to if you go back to the original language it says it talks about weights and you think about what in the world does that have to do with honor? Well, it is that when you are, when you give somebody honor, you give weight to their preferences to vert desires to what they want. That’s ultimately what honor is, you’re known by who you honor and you’re equally By who you choose not to honor and if you choose not to honor your parents, that reflects more on you than it does about them. So that’s kind of a definition of Honor. A description of the spectrum of how the Bible defines, the relationship between a parent and a child changing at the beginning of Life, there is complete obedience required at the end of life. The Parent has no claim on the child. Other than that, the child is obligated scripturally to honor their parents. So that’s how the Bible describes it and in the process of transferring, from obeying, your parents to honoring, your parents is probably the Crux of most of the difficulty between parents and adult children.

Christi: Now, in our culture, you know, we look at someone becoming an adult V at 18 or 21 when they’re independent maybe living on their own. I mean I don’t know if we can tack on an age of wake where this actually starts. But yeah, I don’t know what your thoughts are on that. Is it when they’re out of the home?

Chris: Yeah, I gave a lot of thought to that as a dad, you know, one of the things that makes it easier as a parent is that once a child makes a Profession of faith. And I this was true in my own house. Once that is done, then the conversation in the requirement. In my home changed from obeying me to obeying God, you claim to be a believer Now obey the God who you say you love, and that just makes that transition really easy. And by the way, the authority to require your obedience is given to your Us as a proxy and a training ground to teach you and I to obey God and so you are absolutely right. It’s not an age. It is really when someone gives their life to Christ. Now as a dad, I must decrease God increases and I’m calling my children or my child, then to obey to obey. God, that could happen at any age and For a child who does not claim to be a believer. It is when they have demonstrated that they understand obedience, they understand submission. To Authority and then I back off the flip side and I know I’m talking to people in the audience liked it is where Mom and Dad aren’t saved or Mom and Dad claim to be saved but they don’t act like it or Mom and Dad claim to be saved and they don’t believe there’s ever a time when obedience should end that’s where it gets very, very difficult. And there are parents out there who go to their grave believing their children should obey them until the day. They go to their grave and Unfortunately, that’s just not in the Bible. That’s why I said therein lies. The Crux of a lot of conflict between adult children and their parents.

Christi: Yeah, and it can be very discouraging for a child to have unbelieving, parents and, or just a challenging relationship with their parents. So how many words of encouragement to people in that place and how can they still build up those relationships? Even in the midst of that hardship.

Chris: Yeah, and this is another question, it’s a great question. Something that I in my lifetime have given a lot of thought to for a lot of reasons when there’s, here’s a couple things to think about again from a Biblical perspective, it might help you if you’re in a rocky relationship with your parents, whether they’re saved, unsaved, whatever they claim to be saved, whatever that is, here’s some things to think about one, your parents were appointed by God you were Randomly placed in a house with these two strangers, your father and your mother even if they are not living together maybe they were divorced they were appointed by a holy loving, perfect omniscient. God and you have to I think that’s a good place to start. Romans 13:1. All authority is appointed by God, including my mom and my dad. They were put there by God, but like all other Earthly Authority. The second thing to remember, Remember is your parents aren’t perfect? Whatever you think of the president of the United States that individual was appointed by God, and by definition, that Earthly Authority is not perfect. And so, we have to remember even if our parents forget this, sometimes they’re not perfect, they are imperfect.

Chris: The third thing to think about in to remember about your parents is that they are wise. And this is when I’ve said this in other settings, a very hard one for people to acknowledge sometimes because, you know, your parents weakness, you know, their failings in sometimes. Those failings are so spectacular as two. Seemingly be disqualified from the role of Mom and Dad, except for very rare circumstances. You still must remember that your parents were appointed by God. Yes, they are not perfect but they Our wise, they have some wisdom.

Chris: The other thing to keep in mind is that the Lord knows everything between you and your parents. He knows, you know, I think of Isaiah 59. I don’t know why I’m thinking about that. Now, talking about the darkness of the world and then the phrase was and he saw it all there’s great comfort in that that whatever the relationship is between you and your parents as great as it may be, or as difficult as it may be, the Lord knows it all.

Chris: So that’s all background. Now I’ll answer your questions. I’m sorry. I might be rambling here a little bit, but the first thing is, in a difficult relationship. How do you encourage or how can I encourage you to build that relationship? One is to be humble and in Proverbs 31 of my favorite chapters in. Proverbs, there’s just so much there. It’s very blunt. Verse 11 of proverbs. 30 says this, there is a kind of man who curses his father and does not bless his Mother. And then down in verse 17, it says the eye that mocks a father and scorns, a mother, the Ravens of the valley will pick it out and the Young Eagles will eat it and you say, you said to be humble, and then you read these two dramatic versus. There’s a kind of man who curses mom and dad. And then at the end verse 17, that the eye that mocks a father and scorns a mother, those eyes will be picked up. By the Ravens of the valley. Well, what’s interesting is between verse 11 and verse 17 is one of the most devastating descriptions of arrogance. And so there is an association in proverbs 30 between a child who scorns, their or curses their parents, who is in a difficult relationship, a rocky relationship and curses his father and mother and the Bible makes it very clear. That that is an arrogant person.

Chris: So, the first encouragement is to be humble. Humility is the virtue that goes a long way towards rebuilding. A difficult relationship with your parents. And, you know, when I said your parents are wise, I think some of you listening might have reacted viscerally to that because, you know, the foolishness of your parents, I would caution you that that kind of a response is probably rooted in your pride in your sense that You know, better than your parents. And I’ve talked to some people that really have struggle with that. There’s an inability to even acknowledge that one or both of your parents taught you any wisdom at all. And that says, more about you than it does about them. You need to be really, really careful and rethink your assessment of mom and dad. They have wisdom, are they the most wise people? You know, maybe not, but the humility here. Here is to give preference to them in acknowledging that they do have some wisdom.

Chris: Another way to repair a difficult relationship is to be thankful for your parents. I know some of you have a you would genuinely need to think long and hard about what to be thankful about. The Bible makes clear that humility and thankfulness go together. And even if all you can be thankful for is that they successfully launched you on this Earth. You should be thankful. They are imperfect but God, put them in your life and to not be thankful for two people who God put in your life, under whatever circumstances is to say in your heart that you know, better than God. And so again the Lord knows everything between you and your parents. You and I need to be humble and we need to be thankful. For our parents.

Chris: And the another thing that goes right along with that is to the extent, your parents have hurt. You have sinned against you. It’s like, anybody else? We need to forgive her parents and I know some listening to this have come from a background that would require you to forgive Dee Dee prongs that happened in the context of your family, others. Listening have built up, slights or minor perceived offenses. That have happened in the home and built those into significant issues that maybe you feel or unresolved, whatever it is and others, by the way, don’t even know what I’m talking about. You had such a great relationship with your parents yet. Maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about, praise the Lord, be thankful for that, but whatever the situation is, Let It Go in humility and thankfulness for the sake of now. And for the future, forgive your parents. It doesn’t make all the profit. Problems go away, but it will certainly lighten your load and you give preference to your parents. You honor your parents by forgiving them and letting it go and you say, wait they don’t deserve it, we need to resolve this. They need to pay for what they did to me. Don’t ever forget questions 313 that we were to bear with one. Another forgiving each other. Whoever has a complaint against anyone including mom and dad. Just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you so forgive your parents.

Chris: Another thing that would help build a relationship in a difficult parenting. Relationship is to listen to your parents and it’s a way to honor. Your parents is to listen to what they say and that’s not just Chris Hamilton comes right out of the Bible. Proverbs 23, 22 says listen to your father who begot you and do not despise your mother. either when she is old, I think it’s interesting that the gist of that verse is again, honor your father and mother, Don’t despise them, but listen to them. Again this goes back to seeking their wisdom. You know, the Bible is pretty clear to go get wisdom. One of the ways to give preference to your parents is to ask for their wisdom. I think seeking counsel and perspective from your parents does not imply that you have to do what they say. I think that’s important to say and if your parents struggle with that concept and Where’s your parents believe that? When you ask their opinion about something, you must adopt their opinion, or you must do what they say. You may need to honor your parents by hoping them in seeking counsel in a way that protects them from the impression that they do have that Authority in your life. I may be making this more complicated than it needs to be. But basically what I’m saying is ask for their Council. Listen to their counsel in a context that doesn’t Not leave the impression that you are going to do everything they say.

Chris: I remember asking my dad was one of my best friend’s. He was my best friend outside of an until the day he died. I just admired that man, I loved him. I just felt every day, I was trying to drain from him everything I could before he left us. And that was well before when he got sick and I remember there’s a whole series when we were buying a house, I had a young family were buying a house. Should I get a Cool. My dad says don’t get a pool based on that. I didn’t get a full great advice. By the way, I remember earlier in my life, asking him what I should do? He knew I was struggling, should I go into Ministry or should I follow in his footsteps and be an accountant? And he told me, I should go into the ministry. I’ll never forget that that conversation and the context of that conversation. And actually, it was several conversations in at the end of all of it. I didn’t follow his counsel, it never damaged our relationship. It, he never had an expectation of that I would do exactly what he said. And part of that was I said that to him their dad. I need your wisdom but I can’t, I’m not going to promise you. I’m going to do what you tell me to do it sometimes. It’s really good to say. Because it opens up the conversation and it makes your parents more relaxed to express their opinion. So anyway, that’s an example, out of out of my wife another way to and this is the acid test that I just thought of one way to maybe work on a difficult relationship is to keep in mind how the end is going to look.

Chris: You need to prepare to provide for your parents and I say that because First Timothy 5:8 says Says if anyone does not provide for his own especially for those of us household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. There’s a lot of other verses I could go to but if you look at the relationship with your parents from the standpoint of there is a Time coming when they might be dependent on you and as a Believer you have an obligation there. And if you think about how that might look down the road, that might govern, how hard you work today to repair that relationship to reconcile that relationship into the, to your best ability and I recognize fully. I know this. Viscerally sometimes there’s nothing you can do in that regard, but for most parent-child relationships, there’s some work that can be done being thankful. Being humble forgiving listening to them. Although some of the things we’ve talked about, but ultimately, don’t forget, you need to prepare to provide for your parents. I’m not talking financially, that’s a different discussion. I’m talking about, prepare that relationship to be in a place where you will be providing for your parents in one way or another. That’s a long answer. I hope that was helpful.

Christi: Oh, that was really helpful and I love how you Said giving honor to your parents, is you giving weight to their words and preferences? So when you’re asking for that, counselor advice from them, you’ll I love how you said, listening. I think it’s so quick when we ask someone’s advice, it’s easy for us to argue or give another perspective right away by just taking it in, listening pondering it, and not arguing with their wisdom, that they’re giving you. And I also appreciated how You shared that they don’t have to be believing parents for you to learn from them and to gain wisdom from them and their life experience. I think a lot of people have that misconception that if they’re a Believer and their parents are not and they should not listen to what they have to say, but like you said, God appointed them in your life. So there’s a purpose for that.

Christi: So some people don’t necessarily have a particularly difficult rocky relationship. With their parents, but maybe there’s differences of opinion with certain expectations that they have for their children in regards to their education, their career, who they choose to marry, where they should live. So how can it since my audience is mainly, women will say, how can a daughter communicate differences in these areas to her parents in a way that is still respectful.

Chris: Yeah, and I’ll start with Proverbs 15:33. I probably should have said this verse at the beginning. I don’t know why. I didn’t think about the sooner. This is probably the verse that most clearly defines what honor looks like, but it’s good for this, you get advice, or wisdom or even a mandate from your parents on, where you should go to school, who you should marry, who you shouldn’t, marry, what I’m going to talk about that in a minute. How do you communicate? Those differences will Proverbs 15 33 is the verse says, the fear of the Lord is the instruction for wisdom and before honor comes humility, and as so many Proverbs so much is packed in that short sentence starts with the fear of the Lord. That puts all of this issue into context that all authority comes from God. He’s the ultimate Authority and everyone else Falls. His authority and operates within that truth, and that includes your parents.

Chris: So, if you’re an adult daughter and your parents have an opinion about a decision, you’re going to make the fear of the Lord, is the starting place for them, and it’s the starting place for you, and it’s the starting place, whether your parents acknowledge it, or even whether you acknowledge it. And the fear of the Lord is the instruction for wisdom, wisdom speaks to the need to be smart to be accountable, to be appropriate, to be purposeful. All those things that are wrapped up in, in wisdom, wise living. And so the implication of that is that when your parents tell you, where you should go to school or what you should major in, you should consider that to be there offering of wisdom unless S what they’re telling you is in the Bible. So I’ve looked and my concordance I’ve really tried especially when I had three daughters. There is no place in the Bible that says where you should go to school and what you should study therefore when your parents Express that they’re expressing wisdom and they’re expressing perhaps preference. And so as adult children, you give weight to that you give preference to that meaning that you consider it. There is no Should to follow it with some exception.

Chris: And then before honor comes humility, that flows from the fear of God, that flows from submitting yourself to hearing the wisdom of your parents. And then that humility is required both to be honored. And to honor somebody, nobody finds it easy to honor a cocky person. But so that’s the humility as it relates to being honored. Humility is is required to honor. Someone is Is to hear that, to listen to it, to consider it, to give it weight and then to communicate with your parents, either that your or are going to follow their preference for or that you’re not. And I think the best and this is somewhat of a review of what we’ve talked about. But the best counsel from the word of God is in that to be humble and patient. You want to evaluate the Action with your parents, from the perspective of 25 years. From now, you’re building a memory base with your parents now, and life is long. And what you do today, will follow you for many, many years and let me illustrate it.

Chris: I’m going to go right to the heart of the issue and again, I’m going to speak to the young ladies. Also, if you’re dating a young man and you’re considering marriage, this issue is often. What exposes a difficult relationship with it, with parents, it can be a source of significant, struggle and tension. Let’s just say, Mom and Dad or Mom or Dad do not approve of who you are dating or they’re slow to approve or they are not sure or they’re very faithful to point out all of his weaknesses and failures and you feel like it’s your choice not theirs. And I would affirm that, by the way, I would affirm that at least so far in this country. We do not live in a pointed spouse era. There is history where parents picked spouses. There is no biblical mandate for that. And culturally you are in a place where you do get to pick your spouse in that though. And when your parents are expressing concern or disagreements, again, you want to be humble. Want to be patient in that. You take the Long View, you are introducing your parents potentially to the person that you want them to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with for the rest of their lives. You’re potentially introducing them to the father of their grandchildren, your beginning of your also, beginning a long relationship with a spouse. And I realize I’m putting this in a hypothetical, in the context of your in a dating relationship, your move. It looks like it’s moving towards me. Marriage and Mom and Dad aren’t really happy about that. By taking the Long View, you want to consider the relationship that you have with your parents for for the rest of their life. You want to think about the relationship, you’re going to have with your spouse for the rest of their life. And that potential spouse will participate in whatever your relationship is with your parents, all the way to potentially providing for your parents someday.

Chris: So this is all taking the Long View and you want to protect your parents from damaging a relationship that’s going to last a lifetime. A lot of mistakes are made in the dating ERA with parents who are expressing uncertainty or disagreement that affects that parent-child. Ship for the rest of their life but also assuming it moves on to marriage can affect the relationship with the son-in-law with the father of their grandchildren for the rest of their life. So forcing your will, over your parents, objection is a short-term solution. I’ve seen a lot of couples do that and it can create long-term problems. And I have seen cases where that is Avoidable, but those are rare, and you need to remember that you can be wrong by being right. In other words, God honors marriage, he created marriage. You may believe that God has brought the two of you together and 35 50, 70 years of marriage. Confirms that that was the right decision, but you can be wrong in the process of being, right? So how you honor your parents in that or you don’t honor your parents in that process? Is very predictive of how you will honor your spouse or you won’t. So patience, patience. Patience. Be humble. Be patient. And be accountable.

Chris: And this is a difficult. I use the dating just to go to an extreme and a hot-button issue. But when there’s a disagreement with a parent, And it’s becoming a point of conflict. I think it’s really really helpful to have people in your life who you can bring into that situation. Not to be the guy with the striped shirt and a whistle and say you’re right, they’re wrong but to provide accountability to make sure not that you’re right. But that your humble that your patient that you’re forgiving that you’re honoring your parents and those conflicts can be difficult but it Daughter who communicates differences to her parents out of humility and patience. It’s not always going to carry the day but at least, you know, that’s the biblical response.

Christi: I loved how you said, having accountability and bringing other people into help you, because this is a situation where emotions are going to be really high. You’re dealing with a lot of deep relationships. Your relationship with your parents, you know, whoever you’re dating that Has a lot of emotion and wait and so things can probably escalate quickly and so having someone to help help you stay in check and help. Keep you sound minded in that process. I think is really important.

Christi: So let’s say this is a related question, but if you don’t agree with the decisions that a decision, your parents make or they’re doing something sinful, how should You exhort them, it’s a great question and I would just say like, any other person, the the Bible doesn’t make a Distinction on how you deal with sin.

Chris: I’ll go to that first if their sin in their life, There’s no distinction about how you do that with a parent as opposed to anybody else. So I would say the answer is like anybody else patients love, humility truth prayer. One passage speaks to it very directly. First Timothy 5 verse On says, do not sharply rebuked an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, I think there’s good guard, good guidance. There. You want to be careful that your review core. Your confrontation is not sharp what that means, is angry or pointed or aggressive. But you appeal to him as a father and in there is a clue that you rebuke an older man like you would a father there for you better be appealing. To him appealing to your father the same way. So you’re appealing to your father and your mother, let me just read the whole thing. First two verses do not sharply rebuked, an older, man, but rather appealed to him as a father and to the younger men as brothers to the older, women as mothers and to the younger women as sisters in all Purity. I don’t know that. There’s any verses in the Bible that could help you navigate this kind of difficulty, with your parents, Any better or more on point.

Chris: So you don’t want to do a sharp rebuke you want to appeal and show do honor and to the extent you can respect and when I say to the extent you can I have walked through this with some people who have come across deep deep sin issues with a parent and it causes a lot of loss of respect. The Bible requires you to to maintain your honor and respect can come later, but you definitely should not be disrespectful or sharp in your rebuke when you disagree with a decision.

Chris: Let’s step off of the issue of a sin issue. And now it’s just a decision, your parents make they make a decision to do something or to go somewhere or two big financial decision in their life that you disagree with. I have always thought that unless they Ask you, it’s none of your business just to be blunt. I hope that’s not too harsh and I say that because that’s like any other person unless someone comes and asks, for your counsel unless, you know, it’s a really unusual relationship. I hope we don’t walk around and tell people what we think of their financial decisions or their life decisions, or their preference decisions, who they vote for, whatever it may be, So I think keep it to yourself and if you feel like it’s an important issue that you feel like you do need to weigh in on decisions being made and sometimes this is where it gets difficult where parents are getting old early and there may be a concern about potential for Alzheimer’s or something else is happening. I think it’s really, really difficult to weigh in on that or explore that in the context of the Agreement with a decision. I think you note the disagreement with the decision, the concern with the decision and you explore those types of issues in another way, but be really careful about expressing opinions about decisions. When nobody’s asking you.

Christi: Such a valuable lesson, Chris, I really am. Thankful, you brought that out and we, as women possibly men to, we talked a lot and we have a lot of opinions and preferences and we can say a lot of things. But such a good reminder to not do that with even our friends other people around us, to let them seek that from us.

Chris: You might have a little less to talk about but you’ll have a lot more friends. There’s a lot of Proverbs about saying, less than more. So yes, A good rule to follow in general.

Christi: So we’ve been talking about our own parents but many of the listeners are single ladies. There’s the possibility that we’ll be married someday and will be interacting with in-laws. So, what counsel would you give a woman for how she can cultivate her relationships with her in-laws, maybe even just during the dating phase and Beyond?

Chris: Yeah. I’m again, I think taking the Long View is the best as counsel I can give because you might be surprised or not surprised but those Those folks, the in-laws, the parents of the person. You’re dating could be in your life in a very significant way. In ways, you cannot even imagine them being in your life for a very long time. When two people get married, they marry each other, but in a very practical real way, they married each other’s families. So, mature young lady is going to take the Long View and a purposeful view on life and relationships.

Chris: The great thing I can encourage you with though. If you find a good man, you will be falling under his leadership and his protection. And unfortunately, sometimes you will need that protection, the protection of your husband in relationship with in-laws and with parents, you know, Genesis 2:24 is read at almost every wedding. And it’s also courted by a lot of dads when they talk to their daughters in a way to compel a relationship. But what it really. What this verse says is for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. There’s so many things about that verse, but the relevance to this question is that verse is that command is given to a man, not to a woman. The man is to leave his father and mother and be be joined to his wife and that is not to draw a distinction that the wife doesn’t leave her father. And mother, there is clearly both, they are to be joined away from Mom and Dad, both sets of mom and dad and they become one flesh. And the implication here is that the family is complete. And so there is a definite separation from parents and a cleaving to each other and creating a whole new family. Only unit in the family is complete at that point, children are simply in addition to that in God’s Perfect Design, husband and wife are a complete family. Children are an addition onto that in a very unique and very intimate way and parents are a part of that in a far, less intimate and close way. There is a leaving from the home, a leaving from Mom and Dad. And this is very hard have been through it three times. It is very hard for parents, be patient with her parents. They’ve never done this before maybe and to let go is He’s very, very difficult, so cultivating. The relationship with your in-laws, particularly on ladies. You might see a mom or a dad, have a hard time, letting go be patient, and, and pray for them.

Chris: And I think it raises an interesting criteria when you’re looking for who to marry, when you think you have found a man that you want to marry. It’s really good for you to view or to understand. How does he view this command from Genesis 2:24? And how does he Wracked with his parents as he honor them does. He understand that that role of obedience and honor is going to change? And that his focus is going to be not on his parents anymore but entirely on you and I know that sounds exciting and it is, it’s great. Been there done that, it’s wonderful. But there will always be issues with in-laws on both sides and the man needs to be the foundation for Um, which he leads and protects. His wife is from the standpoint of a deep understanding of what honor means, does he honor his parents and does he understand what that means?

Christi: Yeah, yeah, really helpful and just if he’s only listening to what his mom tells him to do and doing everything that she says, and that could be a potential red flag to watch out for if he’s an adult and, and still being directed completely in life. Ends by his parents. So some things you can probably note in dating.

Chris: Yeah. And you raise a great point. You know what a young man that does that is not honoring his father and mother even if his parents want him and love the fact that he’s completely dependent on them. The reality isn’t God’s design for a man to leave and cleave he is not honoring. His you mentioned his mother, he’s not honoring his mother by separating. And that is an indication that he doesn’t understand what honor means.

Christi: Well, this was packed Crystal with so much and I I know I’m going to have to re listen to this, a few times just to retain everything. But so much comes back to our heart, the attitudes, the mindset, how we think about this how God set up our parents and how even in the difficult relationships when we were struggling to love our parents that God sees that and do it as unto. Him just with any difficult situation that you’re in. Remember that you live for an audience of one and honoring. The Lord is the top priority of our lives and he sees our heart and the motives and the struggle there and someday, it will be rewarded. We are longing for that day, when we get to see the treasure in heaven, produced from honoring and trusting the Lord in all of these situations. So, thank you, Chris. Do you have any any parting thoughts today? That you would want to leave with the listeners?

Chris: Yeah, my prayer. As you know, Christian this session. I know this is a really tender topic. You said that at the beginning, it’s the right word. I know that. I, there’s as many people, there are listening That’s How many types of parenting relationships, parent-child relationships are. And I just want all of you to know that your relationship is unique. I’ve never seen two. And child relationships that are the same and that is designed for you by God. And if it’s easy, or if it’s difficult, God knows it all. Just like you just said, Christi and I pray, that what comes through here is you can honor God by honoring your parents. And what I picture it is to a lost world to see that parent-child relationship, be one that honors Christ.

Chris: So thank you. Christi it was great to be here. I’m always honored And you’re so kind and thank you for letting me be here today. The joy. Thank you. And you’re so kind and thank you for letting me be here today. The joy. Thank you.