EP 109

Welcome to the Smiling at the Future podcast. My name is Christi Rose and this is my pursuit to glean practical wisdom on femininity, homemaking, finances, relationships, and singleness from the God fearing men and women in my life. Hope you enjoy this journey with me as we learn to smile at the future. Hello podcast family, I want to share an announcement with you all. This will be the final episode for the season, but Lord willing we will pick back up after the summer with more thought provoking topics pertaining to all areas of life. So make sure to stay tuned and those updates will be posted on our Instagram page if you want to stay in the loop of when we are relaunching. I really enjoyed recording this finale episode with Lynn Brown and Ann Bradley. They are such a fun duo and they both have been married to their husbands for many years so have much to share from their own personal experience on how to understand and appreciate men. This episode is for married women and for single women, so I hope whatever stage you are in that you walk away with something that will help you in your relationships with men. So without further ado, here is my conversation with Lynn and Anne. 

Christi: Thank you both for sitting down with me today. Lynn and Anne, I have 5 brothers and so I have some perspective on men, but you ladies are married so you bring to the table that whole other angle. So I think this will be a thought provoking conversation between the three of us and kind of want to set the stage here by talking about why are we talking about appreciating understanding men other than it just is a curiosity type question. And I just want to bring up a few points that I thought of. As Christians, we are to celebrate the roles of men and women and keep those distinctions as God’s good ordering of his creation in a society that wants to blur those distinctions. Another reason is that women have an incredible ability to influence men and encourage them in the role that God has designed for them. And I think there’s a temptation for when women to want to change men to be more like women. And so I think if we understand who God created them to be, we will have the right expectations for them and we’ll be able to encourage and highlight and enjoy the differences. So first of all, we’re going to start out with our preliminary question or what do you see are some misconceptions that women have about men? 

Ann: Oh, it’s such a good question. It really is. I, I think that there are a lot of misconceptions. Oh golly, there’s so many. But I think that a number one problem that women have is, and it starts, I think as a teenager, is that a man is going to solve all my problems. And if I had, if I just have a man in my life, either, you know, as a teenager or as a young woman or an older woman, if I just have a man in my life, all my problems are going to disappear and he’s going to take care of everything for me. And that is simply not true. You circle back to God. God is the answer He has given us. We have everything we need for life and godliness in Scripture and through God and through Christ specifically. So I think that we have to understand that a man is not going to solve all our problems. This is this is the beginning of where we have to go. He is a Sinner just like you and me. You know he is, he is going to mess up no matter how wonderful he is, no matter how godly he is, He is not going to be able to answer every question that we have. He is not going to be able to soothe every hurt that we have. Only God can calm the soul. That being said, God has given us men in our lives to help us through this life and we have been given to men to help them. You know, there was not a helper suitable for a man. So he created woman and we are to be His helper. So I think that that is like the first, the very first misconception that women have is that, you know, I need a man to be happy. That’s that’s a lie. That is just not true. 

Lynn: So what are your thoughts, Ann? Well, all of that, yes. And also oftentimes women think that men are just like them, that they think like them, that they know what they’re thinking, like you said, and that they’re going to meet all their needs with single women. Sometimes it’s once I get married, everything will be rosy, no conflicts, etcetera. And like you said, he’ll understand everything all the time and rush to build my desires. But relationships, especially marriage, God’s way. It’s God’s way of teaching you and sanctifying you. And of course God made men and women different by design. So it’s complimentary, yes, but there are also clashes that you will experience, but that is for the purpose of growth. And I think sometimes too, because we have misconceptions about men, we can be suspicious of them or ascribe all kinds of thoughts and motives that are false. I think men are not that complicated, unlike women, who I think are much more relationally needful and more particular about what makes them happy. So men are not like you. One of the things that’s usually true about men is that they say what they think. There’s not a lot of smokescreen. And again, this is a generality. You know, some men are are different, but that’s generality. So don’t second guess them. If you’re single, if they like you, they’ll say that they like you and they’ll ask you out if they’re interested, you’ll probably know that too. So just some of the different ways that they think. 

Ann: Yeah, just piggybacking off of that, I have spoken to so many people and I was a teenager myself. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16. We married it when I was 21. So, but I remember, you know, that that thought and I think a lot of young women do this. If a man, let’s say you’re at a Bible study or at church or you’ve a group has gone out to dinner. And if a man says, oh, let me walk you to your car, we can we as women can say, oh, he likes me. This is a sign, you know, he likes me. And maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. But we have to remember, circle back to those roles. Men are protectors. And a man is going to see a woman who’s walking to her car alone late at night and say, oh, I think I’d better walk her to her car. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s interested in you. As Lynn said, if he does have an interest in you when he gets to your car, he might ask you out on a date or to coffee or something like that. Then you know, Then you know it’s. Nothing, it just says, hey, have a nice night, glad you’re safe and heads back. It’s probably just he’s being a man, you know, he’s being a protector. 

Christi: I’m a funny. Go ahead. 

Lynn: I was gonna say I have a funny story about that. I was just on a walk in a neighborhood with a friend of mine. We were two ladies. It was the sun had already set. And we walked by this older gentleman walking his dogs. And he told us I just saw a coyote over there, so be careful. And then, you know, we thanked him and we kept walking. He comes back and he hands us his pepper spray and he just wanted us to have it and he wanted us to be safe and here it, you know, complete stranger, you know, but just I, I love seeing that role come out in men and we want to encourage it. We, we took it. We thanked him for his care for us. And so I think when we see that come out in men, the just that protective side, we need to encourage that and thank them for it and not just be like, oh, I’m fine. Like, you know. 

Ann: Absolutely. You have to encourage it. I I actually saw this in my own voice. I have two boys and two daughters and when my sons, we we’re a water ski family. When my sons hit about age 12 ish 10 to anywhere from 11:50 when I would jump into the water to water ski, that 1112 year old boy would be intent. He’d be the one holding the flag. He was so protective of me. And it was. It just arose at around that age and it was so sweet as a mom to see that, you know, that this desire, this need, this God-given role of protection just came out of them naturally. And I think we can’t underestimate that when we are dealing with men in all the areas, you know, we have to respect that, that that’s, that is God-given. It’s a good thing. 

Christi: Yeah. So on the flip side of that coin, and you know that the majority of our audience are we’re talking to women, but this will help us understand men better. What are the common ways that men misunderstand women? And how can knowing this help us respond to them? 

Lynn: Well, I think because they think differently, so men and women think differently. Sometimes men think they just can’t figure women out, but husbands actually. So talking to somebody who’s married, the culture says that you can’t understand women, but God says that not only you can, but you must. There’s a command in Scripture for men to live with your wives in an understanding way. And I would say that in most cases, husbands want to please their wives. Men generally want to do that. They they do, they want their wives to be happy. And I think that’s true about men in general. And the truth is, though, that they will misunderstand you. So you have to give them a lot of grace and mercy as you would have them do unto you, because they are. It’s a given. They will misunderstand you in dating. They will misunderstand you perhaps many times. And so you have to accept that there will be times that you will be misunderstood. And I think of Elkin and First Samuel, right? He had two wives, Hannah and Pennana, and Hannah had no children, but Pennana had children. And he would always give Hannah a double portion from the offering because he loved her. But the Lord had closed her womb. So Pennana provoked Hannah relentlessly. I mean, think about this girl’s scripture says to make her miserable. And she was so in First Samuel 1/8 when Elkin has said to her, Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? And why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons? And the idiom, actually, I read this in the study Bible, reflects anger. He’s probably frustrated because he can’t do anything about the problem. Men like to solve problems. And Scripture doesn’t record Hannah’s response. But I can imagine what I would say. And I’d be like, no, you’re not. I love you, but I want a baby. You’re missing the point. You don’t understand what I’m going through. I mean, Hannah was desperate for a baby. Her husband could never fill that space in her heartbeat, but because he didn’t want to see her sad. You know, sometimes men will make comments that don’t really fit. And so they are called to understand, to perceive and to discern. We all are at something that men really need to work on though. And it because it’s sometimes with them, it just doesn’t come naturally and it stretches them. But it’s a godly attribute, so we can encourage the men in our lives to grow in this way. I mean Job 12/13 with him, with God or wisdom and strength, He has counsel and understanding. And then Job 36, five. The whole God is mighty, but despises no one. He is mighty in strength of understanding. And of course, in Job 3836, who has put wisdom in the mind or who has given understanding to the heart? And I love Psalm 119. This is 3473 and 99. Give me understanding and I will keep your law. Now, of course, it’s in context of Scripture. Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart. Your hands have made me and fashioned me. Give me understanding that I may learn your commandments. I have more understanding that all my teachers for your testimonies are my meditation. So of course, again, in context of understanding God’s Word, but a man who does understand the word of God, I think will grow in his understanding of women, grow in understanding of his wife. So be patient with men, be long-suffering and be vocal in a kind way about what you’d like to see or what your expectations are in in the vernacular, men will say, you know, I can’t read your mind. That’s something that they often say like I don’t know what you’re going through, but you’re not telling me I can’t read your mind. So be direct, be kind, be truthful in your communication. I think that that helps. 

Ann: Yeah, I agree. It really helps to be communicative, although with women often that’s not the problem. We do talk a lot. Well, I can speak in our home anyways. I talk a whole lot, but I think it’s really it. What’s really fascinating about what Lynn was just talking about is one time in one of my studies I was studying the differences between men and women, and I actually came across this fun fact and that the eyes of men and women are created differently. We, you know, we all have rods and cones in our eyes. Did you know that women generally have more cones, particularly those that are sensitive to color? It gives them a slightly better ability to distinguish subtle color variations than men. Hence, men are more prone to color blindness than women. Interesting. Men, on the other hand, have a higher density of rods, which are responsible for low light vision, and they make them more sensitive to strategic things. You know, like seeing things and working out that makes them good leaders and they see strategy and stuff, things like that. I find that fascinating, fascinating because I laughed when I read that article. I was sitting, I was sitting over my coffee one morning and I laughed out loud and I’m, I read that and I said, oh, my goodness. Men and women literally see the world differently. And we do we see it differently and we have to understand that that I mean, the rods and cones in our eyes, that is God’s creation. That’s God gave us those things. So when we see a situation differently, like Lynn was just referring to and Lynn and I actually were talking the other day in preparation for this about even David and Bathsheba. And I was saying, you know, remember the story when David, his son was dying, his infant son that Bathsheba had had and through their illicit affair, by the way, but he was just mourning. He was in sackcloth. He was praying to God all the time. And as soon as he died, he cleaned up, washed up and he said, you know, I’ll see him in paradise. I it’s over now. Lynn and I were, it doesn’t say this in Scripture, but we were just thinking, I bet that was not Bathsheba’s response to that situation. You know, they, they would have had totally different approaches. But he was very pragmatic and she’s going to be very relational and emotional. And that doesn’t mean 1 is better than the other. I think you need both, truthfully. God knows men needed a helper. My chances are she mourned for a lot longer than than David, right, Because, like you were saying, David was pragmatic up and he had a Kingdom to run off he goes. But here’s Bathsheba full of hormonal energy and so, so unbelievably sad and guilty. I mean, there were so many things going on and then you’re you just lost a. Baby and empty arms. She literally had empty arms. So that was, I think there’s so many examples in Scripture of men and women, how they might see things differently, yet it’s different. It’s not bad. Different is good. We want differences. I don’t want to live with other women. Oh my goodness. I lived with women in college. That is a whole lot easier to live with. 

Christi: Women, I agree. Well, that goes back like we were talking about the complementary roles, the differences, their compliment. But like you said, they can also at times bring clashes. And so understanding the differences help, I think, mitigate some of those clashes because then we have the proper expectations. And another thing that we’re called to do as women is to respect men and specifically our husbands, but we were to respect all people. But I’d like to to just drill down on that idea a little bit and help us understand why is respect so important for men? And how do women undermine men and disrespect them? 

Lynn: Right. Well, I think first you can check on how you’re doing when you look at the male relationships in your life. So just starting, even with honoring your father, right? We are to honor our mother and father. And there’s so many instances of that not happening, especially in today’s world. But I just heard a story of a father who has left his family and abandoned his wife and children. And the children are adults now, but he’s taken up with another woman. And the kids are horrified, rightly so, and angry, rightly so. But some of the words coming out of their mouth about their dad sinful and wrong. So even even though you would say in the sense of justice this man rightly deserves it, God says otherwise. We are commanded to honor our Father even when they are undeserving and not honoring that word. Hebrew means heavy or weighty. That’s the kind of relationship you think about it even, you know, in your adult life. It’s not obeying like when we’re children, but it’s giving them their rightful place. So how is that going or obeying the government or people over you? We know we have to submit to the government. We know that from Romans 13. If you work for a boss who’s a man, how are we supposed to respond to to him as unto the Lord? Colossians 322 slaves obey your earthly masters and everything, and do it not only when their eye is on you to Curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. So just like the wife who doesn’t respect her husband for whatever reason, you can respect his position in your life. And we don’t always agree with the government, but we respect their position as the person that God has put in place. And I like that example of the less ranking soldier has to salute the uniform, even if the higher ranking soldier is less talented, less wise, physically inferior, etcetera. Otherwise you treat them as brothers. And this is where we go in the body of Christ. How are we to treat one another? So if you think about Colossians, that’s all about because Christ, who is preeminent creator, all powerful, before all things, head of the church, right? That’s in context because all of that is true. You have Paul telling us in chapter 3, verses 12 through 15. So as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another and graciously forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord graciously forgave you, so also should you. So above all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond, immunity, and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body, and be thankful. So concentrate on those things until you’re married, on what God commands in that verse, a heart of compassion and goodness and humility and long-suffering toward all our brothers and sisters in the family of God. And then if you’re married, you’re called to respect your husband. That’s specific to married women. Ephesians 533. The wife is to see to it that she respects her husband. So that’s another link on the chain. It’s a specific command and it’s always been interesting to me that in Scripture we are specifically addressed as women because we have this female bent of kind of the complaining and nagging, the like fault finding, penchant, nagging wife. You know, you’ve heard that in the vernacular. We know from Proverbs 21, nine and 19, right? It is better to live on the corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman. It’s better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman. So we need to respect our husbands, not complain and fault find which is very easy for women to do. So in the meantime, if you’re not married, it’s good to practice self-control. It’s good to practice sweetness of speech. It’s good to remember love does not act rudely and that’s how you can support them. And if you do the opposite, you’re undermining them. So I would say concentrate on that positive spin on the question and do those things. 

Ann: And I was just reading, I think you’ll reference it, Christi, and the podcast about the article from Revive Our Hearts. And I was skimming through that. I’m very convicted because it’s absolutely true. Sometimes we can spend a lot more time complaining than we do praying for the men in our life or our husbands. It’s the natural man just automatically comes out instead of stopping and saying OK, there’s an issue or here’s something that my husband needs encouragement on instead of that’s wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong, he should do this. You know, the list goes on. Stop and pray first, and that is your first step. And I was brought up short about how often that I can fault find and complain instead of praying. And so I think that that is a really important factor. 

Christi: Yeah, I I agree that the prayer is so essential. You know, somebody told me early on, you know, if, if I’m not praying for my husband, who is. And that’s true. You know, I really, I really remember that every day. You know, I, I am the one that God has given that responsibility to and I do respect him. But this is the question, do I respect every single man that I know? Absolutely not. I, I really don’t. But we’re not commanded to respect every man, just our own husbands and those who are in authority over us in the church and in the government and things like that. Lynn just talked about that. Ephesians 523 is very specific about that. But are we to treat every man with respect? Absolutely, yes. That’s where it gets tricky because sometimes men act in a way that you don’t respect. But we’re called, those are the one another’s section. That’s the Romans 12, you know, love one another with brotherly affection, outdo one another in showing honor and we are to do that. We are to encourage the men that we come across to live out the role that God has designed him for by respecting by us respecting the role that God has created for them, even when they’re not living it out perfectly. Find ways through prayer and through encouraging words and just maybe sometimes not speaking. You know, we don’t have to address every, everything that a man says if we disagree with it, we we actually don’t. And that’s kind of hard for some of us. You know, we think that no, that’s not right. I have to set him straight. And no, we don’t. God will set him straight. 

Ann: You know, I mean, that’s a fine line because when you are married and you have a husband that you’re one with, you know, you, he’s counting on you to point out things in a loving way. So that there’s there’s that. And that comes in a a mutually respectful relationship because honor goes both ways. So, but that’s in marriage. And that reminds me because I know your audience is predominantly single women, I would assume. So big warning here to all the women out there. Do not date a man whom you cannot respect. Certainly never marry a man that you don’t respect. Don’t assume that. Well, as soon as we say I do, he’s going to be respectful and it will be easy for me to respect him. Or respectable, I guess would be the word, and it will be easy for him, for me to respect him. That is simply not true. If you don’t respect him now, do not get in a relationship with him, because then we’re commanded to respect him. 

Christi: Such a great point and and I think when women get in those situations, they’re they’re letting their emotions take over and cloud their judgement and they know better and yet they will just their heart just is leading in the wrong direction. The last episode that we had on the podcast is with a lady named Lydia Brownback and she brought that same point about respect and how respect is actually, if you can respect a man, even if initially you don’t have a lot of attraction for him, that’s a good foundation for attraction to grow from. If he has character, if he’s godly and respectable, then you know other things can grow from that. But. I agree, I think respect breeds attraction, I really do. 

Ann: Yes, IA 100%. And the three of us just did an in depth Bible study on the book of Ruth. And I think that Boaz is such an example of that. You know, he he exhibited the character traits of provision and care and compassion and godliness and integrity, so many things that Ruth eventually found extremely attractive. Now he’s much older than her. He was not somebody that typically a young woman would be attracted to, but respect is very foundational, Very, very foundational. 

Christi: I really appreciated also the point about praying over complaining and recognizing again that the Lord is the one who is with be the one to change his heart. And we may want to try to do that and subversive ways, ungodly ways by nagging, complaining, all of that criticizing, but that all does the opposite. It’s amazing how if you want a man to change, you pray, you love them, you encourage them, you build them up. And that is powerful motivators for men. If they feel beaten down, criticized, they’re not going to want to try, they’re going to want to give up. 

Ann: I heard a podcast once and I thought it was so perfect the way that this woman described it, and I’ve always remembered it. She said, you know, on the whole, men feel like they’re messing up most of the time anyway. They don’t think that they’re pleasing you. They, they kind of know when things aren’t going well and they need a lot of encouragement because that’s sort of their starting place is they think my wife’s not happy, I’m not making her happy. I’m never going to make her happy. I’m I’m messing up. So that’s kind of a lot of times where they start. So don’t continue to beat them down from that place like you’re talking about, but but build them up and encourage them. And, and I think you alluded to this earlier, Christi, that our words are very powerful and it’s very easy for US women to use our words to guide a man who cares for us and wants to please us down the wrong path. You know, because we’re saying something emotional from a, a place of relationships and emotions. And you know, it’s not like we’re wrong. It’s just maybe we’re just expressing ourselves a little too forcefully and we can lead him to wrong decision making because then it becomes about making us happy rather than doing what God wants. And and making us happy is what God wants. But he, he, God knows that we’re only truly happy when we’re following God’s way. And we’re always going to try to veer off the path and and drag the guys in our life with us. But we really don’t want that. 

Lynn: Well, and the example about the wife winning her unbelieving husband is without a word and just by her respectful behavior, because probably a wife being married to an unbelieving husband, she has a lot of words that she wants to say, a lot of criticisms or things that he needs to change. But zip the lip, respectful behavior, pray, use all your words to the Lord. Give all the words to the Lord that you want to say and let God work. 

Christi: But, you know, if there’s a man that you don’t respect in your life for whatever reason, and, you know, I was thinking about this, Justin. We see people leaders making bad choices and falling into sin. And I, you know, I was thinking about their wives and how challenging that must be to be the wife of a man who’s so publicly humiliated and lost respect from so many. So how should someone respond to a man if they don’t respect or they’re losing respect for him? And what if they’re not fulfilling the God-given roles, you know, and I’m specifically thinking, what if a husband is failing to provide for his family? 

Lynn: And yeah, so that’s a very specific wave to apply that question, but I’m just curious your thoughts. Well, like Ann said, don’t date them and don’t marry them, right? You can start there. But if you, if you’ve already done that, then you better call us, right? But in the meantime, it’s applying the same principle as you would to anyone inside or outside the body of Christ, right? If they are a believer. So if this depends on the relationship, let’s say is it a friend? They they might need admonishment for the disrespectful things they’re doing. So make sure you remove the log from your own eye beforehand. Maybe they need to learn and you would be helping them unbeliever. Your witness will be profound. So maybe you treat this person better than anybody else even though he doesn’t deserve it. So that’s going to peak his attention, I think. And you might have a platform for the gospel. So those are my thoughts on that. And then I will also talk about a little bit later if he’s not providing at all. 

Ann: Yeah, I think, oh, I have so many thoughts on this subject because, you know, you can. The provision can be physical, you know, like a job and providing food and housing for a family. And it can also be spiritual, you know, a husband who will not lead spiritually. And I have known so many women in my life who have said, well, he’s not doing it, I have to. And that’s not true. That is not true. It sometimes it’s true. I mean, let me caveat this by saying sometimes our husbands have a physical infirmity that causes them to be unable to be to provide or either a mental incapability. They are mentally challenged in some way with dementia. I have friends that have had husbands with dementia and the wife actually does have to pick up the reins. Those are different situations. That is not the norm. Those are exceptional. And that falls under the line of honoring your husband and doing what you need to do in order to help him when he needs it the most. But I know so many women who just say, well, he’s not doing it. He’s capable of doing it. He’s not doing it, so I’m going to do it. And what they’re really doing is solidifying the the hole he has dug himself into. And you don’t want to do that. You always want to be encouraging the men in your life to do what God has called them to do. And by doing it for them, that’s not encouraging them. That’s, that’s emasculating them. Truthfully. I remember I was remembering the other day, true story. My sister’s husband lost his job many, many years ago and she opted at the time. I remember talking to her, he, he’s a hard worker. He had just lost his job because of the economy and he went back to school. And I remember talking to her and I said they had many kids at this time. I said, are you going to get a job? And she said, Oh no, I’m not going to get a job. And I was puzzled by it. I said, really, why? And she said, because God, if he can provide and he is doing his best to provide, he’s back in school doing his best to provide, we’re going to trust God to do the rest. And I’m going to take care of the kids and I’m going to let him do the take care of the rest. And they never went without food. They never with went without paying their mortgage. God provided for the 2 1/2 years he was in school. It was difficult. Sometimes they just ate potatoes or sometimes a church member just dropped a Turkey off on their doorstep and that’s what they ate. But they did it because they trusted God. Her trust was not in her husband. Her trust was in God, and her husband’s trust was in God. And I think it really comes down to that. Who do you trust? And you know, we have to trust God first. We have to love God first, and we have to trust Him first. 

Lynn: So I can just piggyback on to that point then, exactly which I, I love that story and told me that the other day. And I just think that is a great illustration of how you do it because there is an alarming trend right in our culture. I mean, I was just looking at some of the statistics and colleges and universities these days are about 70% women, 30% young man and statistically wives as primary breadwinners have increased to 16% of households. That’s triple the percentage from 50 years ago. So sending the wife out to be the provider and the husband staying at home, you’re messing with God’s design and it’s going to produce conflict and it’s just becoming more and more prevalent. And so we just need to take God at His Word, right? Second, Thessalonians 3, you can read that at 10 through 15. It talks about it. For even when we were with you, you used to command this to you. If anyone is not willing to work, neither let him eat. And it goes on about what you’re supposed to do. And our pastor even says this in one of his sermons. If a man refuses to work, he should be refused food. Now, that sounds harsh, but this person, he says, is to be put to shame and admonished in the hope that he repents. Because of course, food is such a driving factor that most people will work for food. And I think that’s that’s really key. And not as an enemy, but it’s for just like church, discipline is for restoration. So for women, I think it is sinful to aid and abet your husband to be idle. If he works full time and insists that you work too, then you can submit to that. But if you have small children in need of care and the best interest of the children for you is to be home with them, I think it would be wise to appeal to your husband that you make whatever sacrifice is necessary to fulfill God’s mandate and caring for your children and in your home. And Ann’s sister did that, and look at it proved to be true. And so if your husband insists you provide financially while he stays at home, I do believe you are too refuse that, you know, and I think I still remember talking to someone, a woman about this very thing and saying, you know, you just need to sit on the couch until the lights go out and keep appealing to your husband. And if that does, if that fails, go to the family, go to the church, you know, but she had two little kids and he wouldn’t work. And so she went out and got a full time job. And then that’s when those compromises start. And then I think men are made to be occupied with hard work outside of the home. So she went and got a job. And the next thing you know, like David and Bathsheba, her husband had a lot of time on his hands and he got friendly with the neighbor, committed adultery, and they’ve been divorced for years now. So it’s just that example of one thing leading to another thing leading to another. And especially in this culture today, I think that’s something that is just very popular. Oh, my wife can make more money than me or this, that and the other, whatever the excuse is. And I think we’re going to really see those consequences play out, and they’re not going to be good. 

Ann: Yeah, my own example in my family is a powerful testimony to God’s provision. And just like the stories you were sharing. But my dad, when they when they first got married, he was in school still and working, but he told my mom, I want you to even before they had kids who wanted her to establish that role in the home and be the homemaker. And many times, I mean, my mom was gifted. She had a college degree. She probably could have made a lot of money, but she submitted to that all throughout growing up, my dad would work sometimes two or three jobs to, to bring in the money for food. And then God provided the rest. And I, we, yeah, we just, we it was such a gift to have my mom in the home. There were seven of us kids. And to have her there day in and day out pouring into US. I mean, financially that’s the better decision anyway because she’s the school teacher, she’s the homemaker. You know, if you pay for all those services, it’s doesn’t make a lot of sense. And a lot of couples will do that. The both of them will be out working and paying other people to do those types of jobs. So yeah, I think God’s design is best. It works. 

Christi: And I also appreciated how you are highlighting that sometimes the men, a man facing the consequences, if that’s a sinful thing that he’s refusing to work and provide for his family, that will be a powerful motivator for him. So letting the consequences play out that the lights go out to whatever, you know, getting evicted, they might seem drastic, but that’s that may be what the Lord uses to finally get him into action. 

Ann: I think that I’ve been really struck lately by just being on the narrow path. You know the path that God has set before us is the narrow path. You know, Numbers 22, Second Kings 22 and Proverbs Four, among many other places they all talk about, They all say not to swerve either to the right or to the left. And I think that that is so important. We can overcorrect when something goes wrong, You know, we, we can say, oh, no, you know, the sky is falling. My husband has lost his job. I have to provide. No, stay focused. Stay where God, stay in the lane God put you in. It’s a good lane. And we can go the other way too and just say, well, you know, I’m just not going to do anything. I’m not even going to help my husband. You know, this is his job. Well, we are called to be his helper and you are one. So I think that the key is, is just staying in the lane that God has us in. We don’t want to overcorrect. We don’t want to under correct. We want to not go to the right or to the left. We want to stay in the middle, the narrow biblical role for women and let the men have their narrow biblical role because they’re really beautiful roles. They’re balanced roles and they’re beautiful. It is narrow though, and the culture around us isn’t doing that. We have to remember that and be comfortable with that. 

Christi: Yeah, help, help. Full wisdom there. We’re going to shift gears a bit and end on a different note here, but there are just a variety of leadership styles and I don’t know, say types of men. I don’t want to get too in the nitty gritty here. We’re not, you know, doing personality tests or things of that nature, but it’s it can be helpful and it has a place to understand what those different types of men are so that we can highlight the good and see the good in them and not nitpick the fault. So I’m curious what you ladies would share our different styles of leadership, different types of men and maybe the strengths with them? 

Lynn: Well, I think that they have commonalities right in the way that God designed them, uniquely qualified to lead, as we’ve talked about, to protect and defend, to provide all of that. Most CEO’s are men, although that’s changing somewhat because of feminism, but that’s a whole nother issue. But the sciences, engineering, physically demanding, welding, bricklaying, plumbing, things like that mentally, mentally, men are generally that works mentally. So men generally are top heavy in those professions and rightly so. I think in general, again, pretty linear thinkers, problem solvers. They carry a lot of stress responsibility on their shoulders and I think they generally want to be the hero of the story. They want their families to respect them and to be grateful for them. And also they do not like to be compared to other men, especially your dad. If you had a great dad, don’t tell your husband that. Mom, my dad did that differently. So, so part of the curse for the man is tilling the tilling the ground and hard labor, right? They share that curse and they share having to understand their wives and be Christ like in their leadership. So those are all commonalities, but opposites attract. I think that is very true. You usually have like a Steady Eddie and a spaz. And Ann and I are both the youngest child and we are married to engineers who actually work at the same company. Doug is retired now, but my husband is a total Steady Eddie and I am a freewheeling spaz. And I’ve been attracted to first born men my whole life. It’s uncanny. If I was attracted to a man, I would say so where do you fall in the birth order? And it was always the first born because I was attracted to responsible, unflappable, serious minded men. And my husband, for instance, is the first of three boys. And those character traits develop around that. That’s a thing. It’s a real thing. Especially since my husband’s dad died when he was only 5 years old, when my husband was 5. So that upped the ante early on of being head of the household. If you’re a woman and you’re like a type A personality, you’ll probably end up being married to a more laid back type of man that’s a visionary or a dreamer, and that softens those militant traits in you. That’s part of God’s design and the harmony of relationships. But whoever you marry, this is a word to the wise. If you’re discontent in the marriage because you married a visionary guy who sees the world differently, let’s say, well, you probably knew that before you married him. So the key is you married him. You committed to him, for better or worse. And I think it’s interesting that statistically, women are more likely to want to divorce or are more discontented in their marriages than men. And I think that’s because men in large measure are easier to please and they want to make their wives happy. You, you all know the phrase happy wife, happy life. And they like to, you know, keep it simple. So I just think that that’s a really important thing. There’s different men, different combinations, different harmony in those relationships. But remember, whoever that guy is that you’re attracted to, you can play that out. A visionary guy. Typically it’s going to be, let’s say, more of a risk taker. Ann and I are married to men who do not take risks. And you have to. I would love it if you told that story, Ann, about your house and how that, you know, just blew your hair back when you and aunt, when you and Doug have the the discussion about buying your house, because we’re very, very different in that sense, right? We love the adventure and, you know, let’s try this, let’s try that. And our husbands are Nope, straight on, steady on. But we we love that about them. At the same time, this is where you can get into trouble when you get married. Then maybe you say, well, why do you always have to be that way? Why can’t you just throw all caution to the wind? Let’s get on a plane and be spontaneous. Because you didn’t marry the spontaneous man, the visionary. You married the Steady Eddie. All right, So those are the things that you have to accept and understand when you get married. 

Ann: Yeah. The the story that Lynn is referring to is when we purchased our second home, we looked around, our family was growing. We needed a bigger home. We moved out to the area we’re in now. And I found this house actually, and it was just perfect for us, you know, was big. And so we, you know, we talked about it and it, it all worked out. We moved in and it wasn’t long after we had moved in, we were just chatting and I said, oh, this is going to be great. Our first house we had been in for five years. So I said, you know, 5 or 10 years from now, we can now move into a, you know, our forever home. And he looked at me and he said, Oh no, this is our forever home. And I sit here this morning looking out into the the the landscape that I have been looking at for the last 40 two years. 

Lynn: That you thought you were only going to be looking at for five years until you graduated to the to the next house. She had all her plans and then that’s the best Doug’s like, no, what this is our this is it. This is our forever. Home because he is a steady Eddie and he has, you know, he has goals and a plan and he accomplishes them. 

Ann: I am more of that Woo visionary. Let’s let’s go. Let’s move out. But I have to caveat or into that story. We’re very happy in our home and his way really turned out to be really, really the wise way. Our house has long been paid off. We have, you know, Lynn said. He has recently retired. We have, you know, the freedom to do things because our house is paid off. He was very smart. He was very wise. If he had followed me and kept moving, we wouldn’t be in the position we’re in, and I know that about him. I appreciate and I married him in part because of those traits. 

Lynn: Exactly. If it was up to me, my husband would tell you that I would have blown our entire retirement account by now with trips to Europe. 

Ann: You know, it’s funny, I’ve heard that this the Mr. Steadies are the hardest ones to be married to, or at least the women that are married to them tend to be most discontent, even though they have such great qualities, you know, their faithfulness, their and my dad was a steady as well. And so I remember my mom running down on three by 5 cards, all the things she appreciated about him because she just had to remind herself in the moments where she was tempted to be discontent or wanted him to change. And his personality of these are the the highlights, the qualities, the good things about this personality style. And each one has its own weaknesses. You know, the visionary, they tend to be either very rich or very poor because they’re the inventors and the business starters, the men that are kind of like the military style. Women can be attracted to the leadership qualities, but then they can be harsh at times. And so understanding we all come with the unique package of weaknesses, strengths. 

Christi: I love what Elizabeth Elliott said though she said, you know, just why not instead of working on the 20% you wished was different about your husband, love the 80% that you are thankful for. And you’ll never be able to change that 20% anyway. So let’s just, you know, not fixate on it and just enjoy the 80%. 

Ann: That’s exactly right. I agree. Yeah, that is exactly right. And that’s where prayer comes in again. We circle back to prayer and you know, that’s when you sit when you’re feeling frustrated because the the man you married isn’t meeting all your needs, whatever they might be, you know, just pull back for a moment and start thanking the Lord for every single thing that he has provided for you through your husband. How he, how he’s good with the kids, how he leads the Bible study, how he is always, he’s always home, you know, and comes home every night unless he’s on a business trip or whatever, you know what I mean? He’s steady, he’s reliable, he’s trustworthy, he’s faithful. You know, I, I have often joked, you know, my husband, I’m very, very fortunate that he doesn’t like change because he’s never changed me out. 

Lynn: That is so true. That’s the same with me. That is absolutely hilarious. I can use that one. 

Ann: Yes. My husband does not like change, and that’s good because he won’t change me out. Yeah. It’s, it’s just, there’s so many things to be thankful for and we can really, and after on truthfully, after I spend a morning, if I’m frustrated with something in our in our lives, in our marriage and I spend a morning just thanking the Lord for every single aspect. I, I run out of time to list all the things I’m thankful for. And by the time I come out of praying, my heart has changed. My husband hasn’t changed. My heart has changed and I just, I just want to run to him and thank him and be kind to him. And then when we’re kind to him, all of a sudden they want to do the things for us that maybe we wanted. They want to please us. As Lynn has said many times, men really do want to please you sometimes. You know, our hearts are deceitful and we say what we think we want, and then they try to give it to us. And that isn’t what we want at all, you know, because we deceive ourselves. So I think that we have to really always circle the wagons back to a heart of gratitude, a heart of wanting to be holy in our marriages and in our relationships. And respect is part of that. Respecting our husbands, listening to him so crucial, so crucial. You know, we, we always want our husbands to listen to us, but we don’t as much listen to them, which is, or the men in our lives, I should say, listen to them. 

Lynn: Sometimes what they don’t say is saying a lot. Yeah. Then you could ask questions too if they’re hesitant to share, if you show genuine interest and what they have to say, that’s amazing. That really goes a long way. 

Christi: And I like how you’re bringing it to thankfulness. And I think you also brought up the word comparison earlier. So I think if you’re tempted to compare your husband and you need to jump ship to the thankfulness boat and and stay in that in that area. And with going back to respecting your husband, there is a a little respect challenge that we’re going to link in the show notes that we found on Revive Our Hearts. I think it’s a 30 day challenge for wives. If you struggle respecting your husband, it gives you a prompt each day of what to focus on. It has scripture with it. It has ways to practically apply respecting your husband if you’re just not sure what is respect look like. Obviously it starts in the heart, but then it’s manifested through actions. And you can pray that God would just continue to change your heart towards your husband if you’re really struggling in that way. And a lot of times he uses it’s kind of a a both, you know, he uses our behaviors and our actions to influence our heart as well. And so we’re praying for him to change our hearts. We’re doing the right thing and pretty soon it becomes more natural, becomes more in line with our hearts. So I loved this talk, ladies. It’s helpful. I mean, most of us are single, but we do desire and hope for marriage. And it’s the tightest 2 principle that the older women in the church teach the younger women how to love their husbands. Understanding them, respecting them is a huge part of that. So I think this is just priming the, the pump, so to speak, helping us work on the right attitudes and mindset so that when we enter marriage, we’re, we’re, it’ll be a hopefully a little bit of a smoother transition and we’ll be able to honor the Lord better in how we relate to our husbands and the men in our life. So thank you both so much for sharing today. It’s been so sweet to have you together and I’m excited to share with the listeners. 

Lynn: It was delightful to be here and wonderful to be with you both. Thank you so much. 

Ann: Yeah. Thank you, Christi. It’s always a joy to be with you.