EP 115

Smiling at the Future – 115. Money in Marriage: Preparing for Financial Unity with Chris Hamilton

Christi Rose: Welcome to the Smiling at the Future podcast. My name is Christi Rose and this is my pursuit to glean practical wisdom on femininity, homemaking, finances, relationships, and singleness from the God-fearing men and women in my life. Hope you enjoy this journey with me as we learn to smile at the future.

Hi friends, I want to start out today by thanking you if you are financially supporting this podcast effort. That has been a major reason that it is still in existence after 5 plus years of being on the air. And I know it’s a sacrifice on your side to commit to that, but it does not go unnoticed. And I just want to say thank you publicly for your support.

But speaking of money, we haven’t talked about money in a while on this show. So today we are fixing that. And Chris Hamilton does a fantastic job looking at this very important topic from the angle of how we can prepare to partner financially with a future spouse. He even answers a question for dating couples: Who should pay for the date? Or if you’re in a long-distance relationship, should the man help pay for the woman’s travel expenses? So without further ado, here is my conversation with Chris Hamilton.

I’m deeply grateful, Chris Hamilton, for your continued support by being a guest on so many of my episodes. It’s rare to find someone who has wisdom on such a variety of topics. We’ve covered relationships, decision-making, seeking counsel, honoring your parents, and today we are branching out to another topic that you have an expertise in, which is finances. So I’m going to let you just introduce yourself to the listeners who are tuning in for the first time and would love if you could also share why the topic of money is of particular interest to you.

Chris Hamilton: Yeah, thank you for having me back. I’m always, I always marvel that you ask me. It’s such an honor. And I hear from people all over this country and even a foreign country recently that listened to your podcast. So I have a heightened sense of my need to be accurate and careful. There’s a lot of people listening to this.

Christi and I know each other from our church. I go to Grace Community Church. I serve as an elder there. Anne and I have been going, well, I’ve been going there since about 55 years ago. There was a new pastor there named John MacArthur, and I was in first grade. So I’ve been around there a long time.

Money, I guess, is a particular interest to me because that’s what I deal with all day long. I, or most of the day. I am what’s called a forensic accountant. I’m a certified public accountant, a certified fraud examiner, and a certified valuation analyst. All that means is I have these certifications and I use accounting in a unique environment and that is in litigation. So I’m an expert witness quite a bit or usually preparing for moving towards 12 to 15 trials at a time and those unfold as they unfold. So that’s what I do for a living and in my spare time. Of course, very involved at my church and Anne and I have three daughters, 8 grandchildren so far and all of that keeps us busy.

Christi Rose: Well, you’re great at stewarding your time and clearly have gifting with money and you’ve given talks at our church on money and stewardship before—different talks during our Sundays in July sessions that we have. And I’m going to link those in the show notes if the listeners want to hear more from you on that. But today we have a unique angle for this audience. And so I wanted to… this was something actually I read in a book that just kind of got my thoughts going down this track of, yeah, what is it like to when you marry someone, partner financially and to do that well and how do you adjust to that? So I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts and but we do want to lay our biblical foundation. So with our first question here: why does God address money so often in his word? And what passages have guided your view of money?

Chris Hamilton: Yeah. And that second part of your question I’ll deal with first and that’s the passages that have guided my view of money. The first one that comes to mind is Hebrews 13:5. It’s very simple: “Make sure your character is free from the love of money.” I think that is such a summary of what the Bible has to say is my responsibility as it relates to money. The other verse I like is another simple one which lays out God’s work with money, His Providence: 1 Samuel 2:7, Hannah’s prayer. “The Lord makes poor and rich. He brings low and he also exalts.” Those two verses kind of set the boundaries of God’s word, our responsibility and God’s provision. God’s Providence and every other passage regarding money in the Bible pretty much lands in one or both of those squarely. And yet both of those truths are abiding and that is that God is Provident. He makes poor, he makes rich, He works all things. And yet I still have a responsibility as I interact with that to make sure my character’s free from the love of money.

The question of why it’s addressed so much in the Bible is a really interesting question. And when you put “why” and “God” in the same sentence ending with a question mark, that can be a dangerous pursuit because I don’t know that he ever says why. And so I am going to speculate a little bit here. I think it’s probably because money is ubiquitous. It’s the means of commerce and it’s the means of reward for work, which started in the Garden of Eden. And the relevancy of the concept of money—meaning it is so ubiquitous that the use of money and the understanding of money cuts across all demographics, cultures, nations, chronologies, and marital status. There is nobody immune anywhere to the concept of money.

And the Bible makes pretty clear that money is simply a barometer or a thermometer. It is a means to read the heart and it exposes the heart either for good or bad. And perhaps that’s why it is addressed so much. Money’s amoral; money is not the root of all evil. The love of money is. And that principle—that’s 1 Timothy 6:10—is maybe my third passage that has guided my view of money. But that verse kind of lays out the amoral nature of money. That it’s money can sit there; it’s what you do with money that really exposes you. So I think that’s perhaps why even Jesus Christ on earth, when he was teaching, he talked about money a lot. And I think perhaps that’s why, because we understand everything he was saying in that context without having to go research “What’s a denarii?”

Christi Rose: Very interesting. I hadn’t thought of it that way, that this is something that can touch anyone, anywhere, any age, any culture, and it’ll touch every marriage. We have to interact with another person on money. So what do you see are common struggles married couples have with money? And what can single women do now to maybe lessen some of that tension and prevent those future conflicts?

Chris Hamilton: Yeah, I’m going to step back from the context of marriage at first and tap into my profession where I do forensic accounting, fraud work, and contract disputes in general. What causes struggles with money anywhere is one of two things: not enough money and too much money. Not enough money means it’s really scarce and it brings out tension. In the same way, believe it or not, too much money exposes things. The lack of money exposes maybe a lack in the trust—trust in the Lord, dependence on His provision, and care—and how the ambition to resolve issues plays itself out. Pride. Those are some of the issues that get exposed with not enough money in the business world. The same thing with too much money. Once there’s too much money, now there’s an argument over weight: “Who’s taking the money?” “I am owed more of that money” or “What I think should be done with that money is more important than what the other person does.” So much of the conflict resides in those two issues.

And that’s true in a marriage also. And you know, I’m sure everybody thinks, “Wow, I’d love to worry about excess money.” Well, in this country, we have excess money compared to most places in the world. And it exposes when you have extra money: what is your view of the future, savings, investing in the future versus giving it away? Giving to the church out of that excess money. Or 1 John 3:17 talks about whoever has the world’s goods, sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him—how does the love of God abide in him? That principle of people around us in need and with the extra money God’s given us being willing to help those people is an issue of the heart. Again, it’s not money, it’s an issue of the heart.

So in a marriage, especially early in marriage, you have a lack of money, and then you have those other times in marriage when you have excess. And both of those will bring unique tensions in the marriage and even conflict. Oh, and by the way, you know, there’s the extreme of a lack of money, there’s the extreme of too much money, and then there’s everything in between, which is really allocating money. And that can be a challenge also in marriage, especially in a new marriage where you know the ability or willingness or tolerance for taking on debt, for example, and then making those debt payments. That’s what I call allocating resources. When it’s time to buy a car, do you buy a brand new car or a used car? And if you’re going to buy a new car, is it going to be entry-level or the luxury version, whatever. All those choices can bring conflict, and those resource allocation struggles probably have a lot less drama and emotion attached than “We don’t have enough money to make it to the end of the month.”

Preparing for all of that is, again, certainly there’s the wisdom of learning management skills, but it’s more spending time understanding how money exposes my view of who God is, what he has done and what he has promised, and further what he has commanded. I’ve done a study in scripture; I get asked to talk about money all the time. As you know, Christi, and as you can imagine, because I deal with money, everybody thinks I know what to do with money. And years ago, after being asked several times, I sat down with the Bible to figure out what is everything the Bible says about money. And there’s five things the Bible says you’re to use your money for: you’re to pay your taxes, pay what you owe, provide for yourself and your family, invest in the future (save), and then give it away. And by the way, giving it away is the number one priority. So obedience to do with money what God says I should be doing with the money is the discipline. And that you can learn now to prevent future conflicts and prepare for future marriage. That’s all balanced with remembering the Providence of God. And I go back to those two verses: I need to make sure my character is free from the love of money, and I need to always remember that the Lord makes rich and the Lord makes poor.

Christi Rose: Good truth to be reminded of. And one thing I’ve been thinking about often as I’m just wanting to prepare my mind and heart for whatever financial shift I could encounter when I get married is learning to live on less. And maybe you don’t have to do it now, but start practicing. Can you swap out certain things for the cheaper option? Can you, you know, for females, we spend a lot on, you know, the personal care side. Can you learn to cut your own hair, dye your own hair? I do all those things; I kind of during COVID learned how to do that for myself. And I save so much money just swapping out and learning skills. So I mean, if you marry someone who’s in ministry, you may have to go down a few notches and what you’re accustomed to.

But that maybe segues well into the next question here: for a woman who is used to making all of her own financial decisions and now entering marriage and having to partner and then submit to a man in that area, what attitude should she have in that process of submitting to her husband’s leadership in this area?

Chris Hamilton: Yeah. And I think that the single mindset and the married mindset is the same. And this just follows from what you just said: the disciplines that you’re exercising and how to prepare for marriage. The biggest thing—the mindset that doesn’t change—is obedience: using money how God says to use it, being free from keeping your character free from the love of money, always dependent on the Lord, understanding he gives, he takes away. And all of that is a continuum right into marriage. So there’s not a secret wall that you cross over from single to marriage and everything changes.

Now, however, there are some changes. And the most important aspect of submission in marriage—because your question is you’re used to making your own decisions and now you have a spouse—if you’re going to submit to your husband, that can be a difficult submission. But if you’re used to being submissive to the Providence of God, to being aware of that, then that simply transfers to your husband. And I’m not calling your husband or your future husband God, but he is in the place now, when he becomes your husband, of answering to God directly for what happens in your family. So if he’s committed to obedience and you’re committed to obedience, 90% of the issues go away. And submission to a man like that is easy for the most part.

So you go into marriage committed to obedience and the Providence of God, not accumulating. I talked to some people who are getting married and I remember this myself: you’re going from one income to two incomes. “I just doubled my income and cut rent in half because we’re both moving in together now.” It’s the windfall. And you can start thinking, “Wow, we can really accumulate some wealth here.” And I married an amazing lady on many levels, but one was she completely understood. And we both almost immediately realized what we should be doing is living off of one income because our prayer was that the Lord would give us children and Anne wouldn’t be working. And it worked for us; we lived off of one income. That’s all the stuff you were just saying, Christi, where she came into the marriage used to living on less than she could have. And it was an easy transition.

So perhaps that’s one way to prepare for it and also what you can do now to ultimately submit to your husband, if your husband wants children and wants a one-income household. And that is what you should do almost right away as a married couple. So there should be some premarital discussion about goals, lifestyle, priorities. I think preparing to submit to somebody means you need to have some information. If you’re marrying a miser—by that I mean somebody who tosses nickels around like they’re manhole covers—then you need to be aware of that and you need to be OK with that or not. If you’re marrying someone who has no concern for the future, they “live on faith” (I’ll put that in quotes); they don’t save; they are not interested in saving; they really tilt towards “God makes rich, God makes poor, God gives, God takes away, I just live life that way”—that might be admirable in the dating process, but there needs to be some thought of “Can I submit to a guy who lives like that?” And if I’m not that way, then maybe I shouldn’t marry someone who’s going to lead my home that way.

There’s one other different mindset in marriage, and that’s communication. It’s a new dynamic in that regard. When you’re single, you make decisions and there’s no need to communicate with anybody; you just make decisions. It’s a new dynamic when you get married. It’s an area for discussion going into marriage. And then when you are married: communication, communication, communication. Talking a lot. And those five areas that you should be spending money on are good to discuss before marriage, understanding that you have a shared vision, shared goals, shared desire for obedience—all of that helps when you get into marriage, so that there is a pattern already established of open communication on these issues. No two people share the equal discipline when it comes to money and equal interest in money. Some people have no interest in money; they check their account and if there’s money in it, they’re fine. That’s as much as they’re ever going to think about it. And if that’s the man you’re about to marry, you need to know that. And that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t marry him, by the way, but it definitely impacts how you submit to a man in marriage and what that’s going to look like.

Christi Rose: Yeah, that’s definitely helpful to consider in advance. But I really appreciate how you talked about obedience to the Lord and you’ve touched on generosity a few times. And I think that is an important motivator for having your finances orderly. You know, you want to be able to be generous and if your money is out of control, you’re not going to have the freedom to be able to give or when needs come up to meet those needs. So I think that’s an important, maybe sometimes overlooked area for singles: making their giving and tithing and even above and beyond that a priority for them.

Chris Hamilton: And even a point of discussion. It’s a great discussion point for a couple as they’re heading for marriage to understand the shared priority. And it’s really easy to fall out of obedience in that area. The Bible says you’re to give out of the first fruits. And if that’s not the priority, that’s a problem.

Christi Rose: Now, prior to marriage, here’s kind of a funny question and I’ve heard this from several people, but when a couple is dating, who should pay for the date?

Chris Hamilton: Interesting. Yeah. And that question, there is no Bible verse for that. But I have opinions, and so I want to draw a distinction here. What I’m about to say, I don’t know that there’s a Bible verse, but there is biblical principle here. I would expect that a young man’s willingness to pay versus his reluctance to pay is just a treasure trove of information. If he’s reluctant or he doesn’t want to or just doesn’t, there’s a couple of observations. One is maybe he can’t afford it. And then I wonder, why is he in a dating relationship or pursuing a dating relationship when he can’t even afford the date? That means he’s really far away from the ability to take the dating relationship to marriage. The second is if he doesn’t pay, maybe he’s just not that serious about the relationship and there’s a message there. The third thing is—I’m going back now to what I used to tell my daughters—he may not see himself as a provider and it may just be ignorance, basically.

And these are general rules. My first off-the-shelf response to this (and of course there’s some likely exceptions, although I don’t know that there’s very many) is that principle in 1 Timothy 5:8 of providing for yourself and your family correlates. I always say it “rhymes” with Genesis 2—the created order in the garden—that the husband is to be a worker, to provide for his wife and his family, and to fail in that makes him worse than an unbeliever; it says he’s denied the faith. I would think that a young lady needs confidence in that understanding in him—confidence in him that he has that understanding—before things move along too far. So the question of who should pay for the date, maybe I make it more heavy than it should be, but that’s my observation about that issue.

Christi Rose: Well, it’s funny, I was watching some Charlie Kirk videos this week as I think so many people have after his passing and just his interviews. But I did hear him say something to this point where he said he would never let a woman pay for the date. And he said it wouldn’t be worth the honor he would lose. You know, he would wash dishes or go into debt or do what he had to do. But I appreciated his strong stance on that and just seeing it as an honor issue.

Chris Hamilton: If I was talking to an audience of men, I would have given a bit of a different answer and it would have been pretty simple: “Man up.” And I can’t imagine ever asking a woman out and not assuming that you’re going to pay for it. So I agree with Charlie, but I also know that dating is a different world than when I was doing it 40 years ago. And you know, the economics and things have changed. And I want to have some grace from the young lady’s perspective that there may be some opening here where he’s not a guy to run away from.

Christi Rose: One thing I think that us women need to be mindful of is be appreciative when the man pays for a date or an outing. I think we can go in with the expectation he’s going to pay and then maybe that would keep us from offering our thanks. But don’t ever have that mindset of demanding that; always be sure to offer your thanks for when they pay.

One interesting aspect with our dating culture now is that because of online dating, there’s a lot more travel involved. And I’ve been in this position multiple times where I’ve been getting to know someone in a different state, and so I’m buying plane tickets and making trips out there, and that becomes a bigger investment. So in a situation like that, is there maybe an understanding that the man would help cover some of that cost? I mean, it’s way more than a date; it’s a bigger financial commitment. But yeah, just curious if you have any thoughts on that.

Chris Hamilton: Yeah. So obviously dating is different than marriage, and I just want to say that up front on this question. But if it’s serious enough to be investing in traveling like that, I would expect a young man—and this is parallel to what we just talked about—I would expect to see the young man at least offer to pay to demonstrate his understanding of the principle and his ability to make it happen if need be. Again, if a young man is interested in a young lady in another state and he has not considered the cost of that, then I don’t know why he would be pursuing it. It just, to me, it says a lot about him. And again, I’m being careful here because I don’t want to destroy young men that I haven’t met, but I just think it’s a lack of seriousness.

And if I or any young man I know or were advising was ever to do something like that—and you’re right, it is a new phenomenon, unheard of when I was dating 40 years ago—but I just can’t imagine ever asking somebody to fly to me and not saying I’m going to pay for it. So again, I don’t have a Bible verse; I have a principle, which is honoring women, honoring the relationship, honoring what I think is the goal of that relationship. And if the goal of the travel is to further the goal of the relationship, which is dating, which ultimately is marriage, then I should be prepared to invest in that and honor marriage and honor a woman in that way.

Now I totally understand, by the way, especially at first, the young lady might be way more comfortable paying herself because there might be “I’m not sure if he’s going to sense that I’m obliged to him if I let him pay”—all of those issues. It’s not wrong for the young lady to say no or to go into it saying “I am going to pay.” And that’s why I emphasize he should at least be communicating his willingness to.

Christi Rose: Yeah, no, I think that’s really key. And I know for myself, the man offered to help pay for the lodging or the rental car. And most of the men that I got to know, they came and visited me first and they took on the expense of that trip and were willing to take the lead on that, so I appreciated that.

But now in marriage, is there a principle for who should handle the money? Is it a headship issue or a giftedness issue?

Chris Hamilton: Well, it’s interesting. I’ve been asked this before and I actually did some reading to see: is there something in the Bible on this one? And what I found was there seems to be more anecdotal evidence in the Bible of a woman handling the household finances than a man, which surprised me. And yet I think back in the day, for example, when Proverbs was written and Titus 2 talks about the wife being a worker at home—the implication of that in that culture, in that economy, was that she had to have been handling the money because it was very common for the man to be gone long stretches of time. You know, they couldn’t jump on the freeway at the end of the day and get home at 5:30 every day. So there was a lot of traveling; there’s an implication there.

I think of Proverbs 31, the excellent wife. I think it’s verse 14: “She is like merchant ships bringing her food from afar.” That speaks to commerce, to buying food from afar. And that was very different than today where we do that on Amazon, but she’s handling all of that. Verse 16 of Proverbs 31: “She considers a field and buys it, and from her earnings she plants a vineyard.” That speaks to her direct interaction with not just money, but the wealth of the family. She’s creating wealth and she’s managing all of that. The implication in that verse is that she bought the field and it’s generating income (let’s call it rental property), and then from the earnings of that property, she’s planting a vineyard, which will also provide income. But the implication is that she’s spending money to maintain it to generate that income. All of that—verse 24: “She makes linen garments and sells them and supplies belts to the tradesmen.” This is a picture of a woman in the home. And by the way, this is not prescriptive at all; this is descriptive. So it’s describing in Scripture an excellent woman who is handling the money at home, basically.

So I think whoever handles the household finances—the man or the woman—the principles don’t change. You said, is it a matter of giftedness? Yes, I think it’s really not wise to have the husband handle the money if he doesn’t know how to handle money, especially if he doesn’t want to, and especially if his wife does know how to handle money and is good at it. So it is an issue of giftedness, but the principle that the man must provide for himself and his family and that he is primarily responsible for that, and that the decisions that are made regarding the allocation of money ultimately is his responsibility—that does not change. Whoever handles the money handles the money, but it’s under the headship always and the mature, gentle, gracious guidance of biblical truths as represented by the husband.

Anne and I have been married almost 38 years. There’s two times in our marriage when she handled our money. One was when I thought she had more time than me, and boy, was I wrong—I’ve never been home with three kids before! Another time was when our money was really tight and I wanted her to understand better than I could explain kind of the situation we were in. Well, I was wrong; she didn’t need to handle the money to understand that—all I did was frustrate her. So I just needed to be the family accountant and handle the money.

In our marriage, we had some very lean years. We lost it all twice. One was a natural event (an earthquake), another time was a really bad business decision that my partners and I made, and it cost us. But through all of that, we had a partnership. And I think that’s the important principle: whoever’s handling the money, there is a partnership, there is communication. Like I’ve already talked about, we had a rule in our house that neither of us would spend more than $100 without informing the other one first. And in today’s world, $100 is nothing, I guess, but it wasn’t that I was asking her permission or she was asking mine; it was that we wanted to make sure we’re communicating, and it was just super helpful because it kept both of us in that process.

It was a partnership. And I think that’s the main thing: sharing in money planning and responsibilities together brings you both together into the range of visibility where you can see what God is doing and the impact of what God’s doing. If you leave all of that just to the person who’s tasked with handling the money, you’re missing out. So even today—I think I’ve probably talked to you about this, Christi, in a previous episode—the 39-cent boxes of Mac and cheese that we used to… that was all we could afford, and that’s what we fed our children for dinner many, many nights. We look back on that and laugh today. And yet we both went through that together, not just experientially, but we talked about it at the time, experienced it together. And even today we reflect back on what God did and has done since then. And I think that’s the goal of handling money in a marriage. It’s not for one person to do so the other person doesn’t have to think about it; it’s one person does it because they have maybe some skills, but you both have to be involved in that process.

Christi Rose: Yeah, that is such a great point on why you want to have shared responsibility in this, because that allows the other spouse to be a part of seeing God’s work and blessing through your finances. So generally speaking, would you say that there are differences in how men and women think about and interact with money?

Chris Hamilton: Yeah, again, I don’t think so. I mean, they do think about money differently perhaps, but not because they’re men and women. But there is one way in thinking about this: there’s a biblical principle that we’ve talked about that the husband may not pay all the bills or make all the money decisions, but he answers for them. Or there’s a sense of, as the head of the house, of protecting his wife, of before the Lord owning all of that and feeling that. So a man who thinks biblically will likely see the money issues as more urgent or heavier because of his heightened conscience in that regard and the implications on his role as a husband and a father. He’ll feel the burden, if you will, more of that responsibility.

When a man who thinks that way is married to a woman who thinks biblically, she might recognize and feel that burden differently. For example, we laugh about it to this day—in fact, my wife will say this occasionally when a decision is made where she’s not fully on board—she gets pretty quick to the place where she goes, “You know what, you can make whatever decision you want, you answer to God on that.” And we laugh about it. And that’s kind of code for “OK, we need to have a conversation,” but it’s a true principle and a man should and does feel that weight. A woman can often trust the Lord and wash her hands of that difficult decision and not feel that weight. And that’s what a man should do in his home is to relieve her of that weight.

She needs to trust him that he does have the priority of obedience to the Lord, of seeking the Lord, understanding the Providence of God, having the character such that if a wrong decision is made—which I’ve made in our marriage; I already referenced one (my partners and I made a bad business decision and boy, did we pay for it for a period of time)—that those wrong decisions aren’t out of greed or a character flaw, but out of lack of wisdom, lack of experience, or just flat out mistake. And ultimately it’s the Providence of God. So I think men and women have a different weight of responsibility. Beyond that, I can’t really think of any differences between how men and women view money.

Christi Rose: OK. And I think that’s helpful for women to know how men feel that weight of responsibility because when we’re married someday, we can be just more mindful of that in how we budget and how we put attentiveness to that area and care—and not just flippantly spend money, but understanding that this actually does impact our husband’s heart in this way.

Now, earlier you talked about you referenced the miser. And some of that can be just growing up; people grew up in homes that handled money differently. Some were savers, some were spenders. So how impactful is a person’s family history on their current financial habits?

Chris Hamilton: Yeah, on this one, again, I haven’t seen a pattern. And I’ve dealt with thousands of people and their money and I just don’t see a pattern. I think of one family in particular: the family grew up living in a van. Their father was so irresponsible—and this is their description (he came to Christ later in life when he had a young family)—he couldn’t hold a job; he was a drinker. The mom held that family together, but to do that, they literally lived in a rickety old van on the side of the road, and they never knew where they were staying the next night. OK, so that’s a dramatic example. And what came out of that family were siblings that viewed money completely differently. One was hyper-disciplined, and the other extreme was one who, as much as he hated the childhood, he ended up in the same lifestyle because he ultimately figured, “Hey, I survived. I did OK; maybe I don’t need to worry about the future.”

But all that to say, I don’t want to toss it all out. Training in financial discipline as a child usually results in financial discipline as an adult. And that’s why the Bible says that we are to train our children, teach our children. But the burden on the parent—there is no promise, I guess, that that’s going to result in a child who adopts all of that and lives accordingly. Usually, I’ve seen poverty in youth result in children coming out of that growing up with a preoccupation with money and avoiding poverty; that’s reasonable. But that’s not always the case. And the great thing is a negative family history—a family history like the illustration I gave—the grace of God breaks the cycle of visiting the sins of the father on their children. And that’s the main thing to keep in mind: what has happened in somebody’s family history is no license to repeat that sin, nor is it a sentence that you must repeat that sin or those bad habits. The grace of God breaks all of that.

As I think about this question and look through Scripture, one of the causes of sin related to money is never ascribed to family history. So everyone owns their own sin, their own perspective. We all answer to the Lord for that.

Christi Rose: Yeah, well, such freedom in that, knowing that you can, with God’s grace, break a bad pattern and cycle in your family history. But I was thinking a lot about the parable of sowing and reaping—that principle—and how that applies to this area of money. God has designed the universe where this law is in operation. I think John MacArthur calls it the inescapable law of sowing and reaping. And this is, you know, you’re going to make choices and it’s going to build up and you’re going to be reaping consequences over time. So if you don’t take money seriously or see this as an important part of your life, just recognize that you are sowing to something, you are going to be reaping something. And so you should be, as you talked about, really being obedient to the Lord in how He said we should be sowing our money and finances and how He wants us to use those resources because we will give an account someday. We are stewarding God’s resources.

And then there’s 2 Corinthians, talking about the other side of that: that to him who sows much, he will reap much in terms of giving. And so there’s blessing also available. So yes, there are consequences—negative—but there’s also tremendous positive consequences. And I think being a good steward also doesn’t mean you’re spending hours a week on your budget. I believe, as I was listening back to some of the talks you’ve given, that you said it could take 10-15 minutes a week focusing on where your money’s going, but you shouldn’t obsess over it. We should find the balance of being a good steward, but you’re also stewarding your time and all of that as well.

Now, some couples, when they get married, they want to keep separate bank accounts, maybe because they’re trying to mitigate some of the strife that can come between money. They hear about that and they think, “Well, we’ll just have separate accounts so we won’t have to fight over this.” So for a married couple who wants to keep their finances separate, what biblical wisdom could you offer on that decision?

Chris Hamilton: This is happening more and more in our culture—even handling finances separately, but also formalizing that in what’s known as prenuptial agreements where there’s a financial agreement coming into marriage. And I just have a problem with that. Sometimes those prenuptial agreements are dictated by the extended family. So if I’m a poor accountant from Simi Valley and I want to marry a girl who comes from a wealthy family and her family doesn’t really like me, they might require their daughter to sign a prenuptial to protect the family wealth that might come to her someday, in case I really am a bad guy. All of that is preparing for failure.

The first thing I think of is Matthew 19 where Jesus is talking about divorce. He’s being asked about divorce and marriage by the Pharisees, and then he talks about singleness, by the way. But in the middle of that he quotes Genesis 2:24: “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and cling to each other.” And then he goes on to say, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh.” Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate. Marriage is absolutely permanent. A couple that goes into marriage that does not buy into that should not be getting married. Marriage is also the merging of two into one. It’s not the coexistence of two. It’s not 1 + 1 is 2; it is 1 + 1 = 1. And that powerful statement in Matthew 19:6: “They are no longer two, but one.” And then: “What God has joined together, let no man separate.”

That one flesh isn’t just the physical relationship; it’s one flesh in every way. So to the extent a decision such as separate finances or a prenuptial agreement is designed to allow an easy exit from the marriage, I’ll say flat out it’s wrong. To the extent it is to prevent the “one flesh” 1 + 1 = 1 of the marriage, I’ll say it’s wrong. You mentioned earlier the desire “what’s yours is yours and mine is mine and never the two shall cross”—that just is so inconsistent with the one-flesh merging of two people in a permanent relationship for life. And it also preserves the woman’s leadership in the marriage in probably an inappropriate way where she needs to submit under the headship of her husband. And when she’s holding off her money, her income, and she’s making the decisions with her money, I just don’t see how that lines up with the biblical picture of what marriage is.

In terms of a prenuptial—if somebody’s listening and you don’t really know what that is—that’s a contract. It defines what happens if the marriage was to break up. And in my mind, if that’s the purpose of the prenuptial, I just have a problem with it. I think you’re planning to end something that God says no, nothing and nobody should separate. It is for life, and the parents sometimes imposing this… I look at that as people planning to separate this marriage and I think that’s a bad influence. Are there situations where a prenuptial or that kind of arrangement might make sense? I suppose. I don’t think I’ve seen one yet. And I have so much respect for young people who have been through that and they’ve wrestled with Genesis and Matthew 19:6 and they come to the conclusion that they’re going to refuse to plan the end of their marriage—a marriage that God sees as permanent.

Christi Rose: So helpful to think about it from that perspective. Dave Ramsey—I have a Dave Ramsey quote here—he says, “If you can’t trust your spouse with money, you’ve got a marriage issue, not a math issue.”

Chris Hamilton: Yeah, if you can’t let go of control of your money to your potential spouse, you’re not ready for a marriage, in my opinion. Even if it’s not an issue of not trusting that person—you may not know that person well enough to trust them—but guess what? That’s the cliff’s edge of singleness to marriage. You hold hands and you walk down the aisle and then you jump off that cliff into life together. It is maybe the greatest act of human faith there is outside of trusting in Jesus Christ: walking down that aisle with someone you just don’t know. I didn’t know Anne as well as I do today, obviously. Unfortunately, she didn’t know me real well either and I convinced her to walk down the aisle. And I’m grateful. But if you’re not in a place where you’re willing to do that—and if I didn’t trust Anne with my life, much less my dollars—then that would mean I wasn’t ready for marriage.

Christi Rose: Yeah, powerful. Well, Chris, this has been so encouraging, helpful, convicting for any of us who need to just put a little more purposeful thought into our finances and shore up some loose spending and some bad habits. I think this will help us to start walking in that direction again. So thank you for shepherding us in this very practical area of our lives. And I just appreciate your time so much. It’s such a gift to all of us.

Chris Hamilton: Christi, it’s always fun to be with you, and I hope this is helpful to whoever the Lord has for to hear this.