EP 117

117. Dating Fatigue or Never Dated with Lynne Brown

Welcome to the Smiling at the Future podcast. My name is Christi Rose and this is my pursuit to glean practical wisdom on femininity, homemaking, finances, relationships, and singleness from the God fearing men and women in my life. Hope you enjoy this journey with me as we learn to smile at the future.

Hi ladies, quick update for you all. After this episode we will be taking our winter break and we will be back posting episodes in mid January. But in the meantime we are going to do a Christmas giveaway on our Instagram page as well as share a Spotify Christmas music playlist and some other fun things. So follow us there if you haven’t already. But today we have Lynn Brown sharing her life and heart with us again. And hopefully, if you fall into either one of these categories of never having gone on a date or you’ve been through the gauntlet of too many disappointing dates or relationships, you will walk away being able to persevere through those challenges a little better after Lynn refocuses your perspective. So here is my conversation with Lynn Brown.

It’s so nice to have you on again in this fall season, Lynn. I really value how you can speak to the emotions and experiences of extended singleness. And today’s topic will be just that. We’re actually looking at two sides of a coin, both those who are burned out from dating too much. Maybe they’ve just had that revolving door of guys that are nos and they’re just feeling worn out. And then we have those who would love to have just one date. Maybe they’ve been they just haven’t experienced that, have never had a boyfriend. And then there’s some of us listening who probably have had experience with both of those extremes at different seasons of life. I know I have. I didn’t start dating until I was in my 30s. So hopefully wherever the listeners are on that spectrum, they will be encouraged by the truth and wisdom shared in this episode.

So we’re going to just start out today by talking about the woman who is burned out by dating. And maybe it’s not you. Maybe you have a friend who is experiencing this and you want to know how to encourage her. So when should someone know if they need to take a break from the dating scene, the dating world, and when should they just persevere through the fatigue and disappointment? Can you help us understand that?

Yes. Well, it’s great to be with you again. Thanks so much for having me. And I can speak to that, I believe because I too was in that boat until I finally got married at the age of 39, three months shy of 40.

So I think with this question, it depends on the person. If you’re burned out, you need to ask yourself why. Is it because the relationships have been bad or you’re just really tired of dating? Or you just want to give it up and have it end already? Or are you at a point where you are just so upset that you still haven’t met the one and so you want to give up all together? I know that would enter into my thinking sometimes. So a good way to determine that is, if I said to you your next date is going to be your husband, would that change things? The obvious answer is yes. No need to step back because the next guy is going to be the one, right?

So I I continued to persevere in my own dating life because, well, aside from hope springs eternal, I think I really, really wanted to be married. So that overshadowed my discouragement. And the other question is, what does taking a step back mean? So that assumes that you have a lot of control over the situation. Does that mean I’m going to just say no to everyone who asked me out because I’m taking a break? So that also would be OK. Well, what if a godly attractive man asks you to dinner? Are you going to say no because you decided to take a break? So I think that is a little difficult to control. You’d have to tell everybody, for instance, oh, by the way, if you want to set me up, no, don’t. I think if you really want to be married, you won’t put a stop to that.

So I think it would be different if you decided I’m going to take a break and I’m going to take my profile down from social media or from a dating app and I’m not going to pursue that Ave. at all. And I’m going to be in a more wait and see kind of mode. But you still may be open to other opportunities or it may be a simple adjustment if you’ve been saying yes to everyone who is asking you out when you should be more discerning because date after date with someone you have is maybe only mildly interesting. And that’s happening over and over. I know that can be very weary or pushing yourself in a relationship that you know is going nowhere, that can cause burnout. I’ve been there. And I would say definitely you don’t want to do that. You want to change your situation. So I think there’s different factors to consider, but either 1 is fine.

If you want to continue, we’re back off because it’s not a sin issue. But I was thinking about Jacob and Rachel and Leah. You know the story in Genesis, Jacob who receives the blessing from his father Isaac. Of course he did that deceitfully, but that’s another story. It was God’s sovereign plan. And God confirms the Abrahamic covenant with Jacob. And then Jacob proceeds on to the field where he meets Rachel and he stays with Laban, his uncle Rachel’s father. And then Laban asks what his wages would be and he says that he would like Rachel as a wife. Well, you know how it turns out. He serves Laban 7 years for Rachel and in Genesis 29:20 it says so Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seem to him but a few days because of the love he had for her. And then Laban deceives him at the end of that and gives him Leah instead. And when Jacob wakes up with Leah after the wedding, his response rightly to to Laban is what have you done? Of course. And then he serves Laban for seven more years to get Rachel as well. He’ll do anything to marry her.

That anticipation and that desire that kept him locked down in service to Laban. And it was like nothing to him. It didn’t face him. He was thinking, yeah, sure, I’ll keep going. Finally, after 14 years, he got to marry Rachel. That’s a decade and a half. That’s a long time. But it was because the prize was worth it. And I think most people that you talk to that end up married after they’ve been single a long time would look back and say, you know what, The prize was worth it, sort of in the same vein. So don’t step back, I would say, unless you’ve decided you want to be single for good, because dating and waiting is part of the process. So it’s difficult at times, it’s fun at times, it’s heartbreaking at times, but so is everything in life.

Those are really key points, Lynn. And you touched on online dating. And I believe, at least from what I’ve experienced, that’s the area where dating fatigue can sometimes hit pretty hard when you just have, you know, guys messaging frequently and you’re doing a lot of video calls and there’s a lot of Nos and you just get discouraged quicker. So I like that idea of just maybe stepping back from some of those avenues of searching for a spouse. And I guess like for myself, some of the points that I came up when maybe you just need to take a little personal retreat and just refocus on the Lord. If you’re becoming discouraged and hopeless about finding a spouse or that you’ll get married, or you’re becoming cynical instead of hopeful. Like if, if each new guy that comes along, you’re just like, well, this is probably not going to work out. And and then if you’re losing patience too, if you find that you’re just trying to rush through things and like, let’s just cut to the chase instead of waiting to let something patiently develop on its own.

I think there’s some like symptoms you can see when your heart is out of balance and clinging to marriage too much or become an idol and you’re starting to see these negative fruits cropping up. In that case, I think you just need to come to the Lord and refocus your hope and your trust on Him, and that should help you persevere through the hard things that come with dating. But I like how you said it’ll be worth it. You know, if the Lord brings the right man, it’ll be worth it to persevere. And yeah, you should never turn down a good guy if if the Lord brings him along.

Absolutely because remember, you can’t mess it up. So if you want to take a break and you do these things like refocus because you’re weary and your heart’s not right and you are in that space that it sounds like it might be more detrimental than good. Definitely remember that you will not thwart God’s plan. It will be plan A for you and if he has, which he does, if he has his plan from before the foundations of the world and a husband chosen from the of the world, then there’s really nothing you can do, including taking yourself off a dating app that is going to circumvent his plan for you.

Yes, and that gives such peace in this whole area takes all the pressure off of us of doing everything right. And God is so kind. I mean, I’ve been seeing this over and over and different friends who, you know, we’re not doing everything right to meet a spouse. And yet God works through our weaknesses and he still can orchestrate things and and bring things about.

But another thing I was thinking, if you’re, if you’re just burned out, do are you trying to do lone wolf dating where you’re going at this on your own without the support of friends or other believers mentors. I think we all need encouragement in this area. We need to have people praying for us, giving us counsel, encouraging us when we’re discouraged. So just make sure you have a good support system in place when you’re dating. And sometimes, like with family, it can be so hard to just be a discouragement over and over. And so we kind of maybe pull back about sharing about this area of our lives with those close to us because we’re tired of just disappointing people in our lives in this way. And we just, we don’t want to bring everyone else on that roller coaster.

That’s probably individual too, in terms of your friends and family. I know that actually I had a great time when I was single. I told everybody in the office all about my dating woes, probably because I always think that everybody loves a good love story. So I would come in and I would tell them things that happened. So everybody would kind of be excited like, hey, what happened with? Well, they would call my husband Rocket Man because he’s a rocket scientist. So they’d ask me, So what happened the other night with Rocket Man? And then I would get to tell them all the details. Well, this happened and that happened. So I had a blast with that. But I also told them all of the bad dating stories. So they were in on that too, but with friends and family being let down.

I, I think it’s more that they’re just disappointed for you. Most people, I think married with kids are not thinking so much. This is what I found about the lives of the single people in their lives, because they’re too busy. They’re tending to their families and children, unless you have parents that may be desperate for grandchildren and you’re the only child that could add pressure. But I think on the whole, the people in your life are sad when things don’t turn out because they want you to be happy. And so if you have unbelieving family members, it goes without saying that it’s a great opportunity for you to show your trust in Christ as you wait for that marriage. And you can talk about God’s sovereignty and how he walks you through the pain and how sufficient he is, etcetera. So don’t miss that chance.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t share your sadness with your parents when a relationship fails. My parents aren’t Christians and they saw me through many holidays without a husband and they knew my heart on the issue, but they also saw me trying to trust the Lord. And they may not understand why you just can’t date somebody as long as they’re a good person. You know, they think, oh, well, it’d be nice if you found somebody who was your quote un quote religion. But at the same time, you know, why is it so hard? They may be asking. And again, that’s an opportunity to explain how you’re following what God says about marrying someone in the Lord. And so I think the disappointment that they reflect is for you because they want you to be happy. And there’s people, I’m sure that have joined for prayers for your future husband. And so that’s what we all deal with, right? It’s hard when those things haven’t been answered yet.

But I do think that that’s such a key point back to those around you that are watching you, watch you try to be patient, watch you trust the Lord. Because I just even noticed in my own life, the sovereignty of God, trying to reflect the sovereignty of God and showing the difference between a vibrant relationship with the Lord and a cold set of religious values. So if you have a true and thriving relationship with the living God, saying things like, God is so faithful to me, He is sovereign, He knows exactly what I need and who I need, and I will continue to trust him because he knows my frame. So the list goes on and on in the different things that you could share with people. And it’s just quite different than somebody who says, you know, I’ll say the rosary for you, for instance. I mean, you can show such a remarkable difference between a true relationship that’s that’s living and active with the God of the universe as opposed to, you know, a false type of religion. So that’s what I would say about that. And just know that those people are are for you. They want you to be married. They want you to have that, that moment. They want to dance at your wedding. I mean, that’s why they are sad, you know, when it doesn’t work out for you. But you know what, they’re on the prayer chain with you. And how glorious when the Lord does bring someone for you, that they get to share in that as well.

That is that is so helpful and just I love how you’re hitting on you can share in what the Lord is doing in your heart and life and how he’s near to you through these challenges.

Now for the woman who is discouraged, maybe she’s been on online dating and it’s just been that revolving door of nose and she’s had multiple failed relationships. Either either she’s cutting them off or the man is. How can you encourage the woman who is discouraged by dating?

Well the first thing I would say is there a theme, and I say this because I have to ask myself in marriage as well, that is there something happening that you maybe I’m going to use the word guilty of, But what I mean by that is self reflection. Maybe every guy that you date mentions you have a controlling nature or you’re never on time or you don’t seem interested in the things of the Lord, which would be a big problem. But those are 4 examples. You can pick anything because we always have to start with ourselves first. Self reflection. Maybe there’s something that’s been mentioned to you more than once and you’ve ignored something that you need to work on. And your friends will tell you the truth if you ask. They will be very honest with you.

But most likely it’s just very easily not the right guy. And it took some time to figure that out. He didn’t think you were the right girl and it took some time to figure that out. Or it’s mutual. So generally with the dating situation, you’re discouraged with the outcome. You’re discouraged because he hasn’t been the 1:00 and you’re discouraged because you’ve gone on another date that didn’t work out. Maybe he wants to pursue something and you don’t and now you have to deal with that. Maybe you’re confused, Is this right? Is it not? How do I make that decision? You liked him, he didn’t like you. It could be any of those things, but discouragement is part of the Christian life. So I would say how do you handle it in any sphere of your life?

So the old adage for dating ladies, which is true, it only takes 1, just one. So for all the multiple failed relationships, there will be the one that will be the one. And always remember that it’s not in vain. Not one relationship you’ve had is in vain because God is in control of all of this. There’s a lesson and a purpose in every relationship. Ecclesiastes 3:1 fits into this category. To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven, every purpose. So everything in our lives as believers fits into that.

Maybe there’s been sanctification or there’s been a reveal from the Lord about your heart, or there’s been something you need to work on, like trusting God more. Any one of those because remember too that God is not capricious. He does not waste time. He won’t allow things in the life of His beloved daughter, who you are if you are a believer that have no significance. So I also think of your future ladies. I’m always thinking about that in terms of being married because remember, just like discontentment will follow you into your marriage, if you’re a discontent single, discontented single, there will be things in your marriage with which you will be discontent. We know that. We’ve talked about that before. But the same with discouragement that will follow you as well. That’s always an underlying heart issue. If multiple failed relationships discourage you, remember once you’re married, you could have multiple failed conversations with your husband. I’m not saying that’s going to happen. It’s just the concept of there will always be the temptation to be discouraged in my circumstances. So how can I cancel my heart when I’m discouraged about anything as a single, as a married, you ask for wisdom. You deal with your emotions in your heart and you ask for wisdom. That’s why James, 1:2 through 8, I think is such a favorite. Counted. I’ll join my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. We love that, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I love this. First, if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith with no doubting, For the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind, And the Scripture goes on. So we have a God who gives freely, gives generously, bountifully and sincerely out of his infinite resources. And he won’t reproach us. He won’t turn us away. That’s so beautiful. So you are learning to trust the Lord through your discouragement. That’s the end result. We we know. Psalm 42:5 Why are you in despair on my soul, and why are you disturbed within me? Wait for God, for I shall still praise Him for the salvation of his presence. So that’s what you’re after, or it should be. You want to learn to rest in Jesus and wait on Him and trust Him and be delighted that you are his child because he is at work.

And The thing is discouragement is powerful. It has a very detrimental effect. And the the definition is to sink down, let drop and be disheartened. And so I think about just think about discouragement as a concept, even from just take a couple of scriptures like Ezra 4:4-5. Then the people of the land tried to discourage the people of Judah. They troubled them in building. And you know what happened is that caused a 16 year delay and then the people went out and they were just more interested in their personal affairs than spiritual matters. Discouragement is very powerful. In Numbers 32:9 through 11, Moses is reviewing what discouragement did for the Israelites, for then they went up to the valley of Eshkol and saw the land. They discouraged the heart of the children of Israel so that they did not go into the land which the Lord had given them. The Lord was angry at the entire generation and barred them from seeing the Promised Land. And that’s just directly connected to being discouraged and fearful and not trusting the Lord. So that’s where that ends up. And again, with discouragement, you could have multiple failed pregnancy tests, or like I said, multiple failed conversations with your husband, something that has become a bone of contention. You could have multiple failed attempts at giving your loved ones the gospel. You name it. Discouragement, like discontentment, follows you, but encouragement is also so very powerful.

First Thessalonians 3:1 through 3. Therefore, when we could no longer endure it, we thought it good to be left in Athens alone and sent Timothy, our brother and minister of God, and our fellow laborer in the gospel of Christ, to establish and encourage you concerning your faith that no one should be shaken of these afflictions for you yourselves know that we are appointed to this and I love my study. Note it says this was a common ministry concern and practice for Paul. He didn’t focus on health, wealth, or self esteem or ease of life. And I’m going to throw in there or relationships, being single or being married, but rather the spiritual quality of life. That’s of supreme importance. So your faith needs to be strengthened and the reminders of God’s goodness need to be strengthened in you. So bend toward encouragement. Whenever you feel discouraged, ladies, just bring that up and bend toward the encouragement. Encouragement which will replace that. It is so powerful and it is such a gift of God that He gives that to us, that we can stand strong even when we’re waiting.

That perspective shift is so powerful, and I often think of failed relationships more as God’s protection than than failures. Like, OK Lord, he wasn’t the 1:00 and you’re protecting me either for someone else or from maybe a relationship that would have been hard. So just view it in that lens that God does love you and you are his precious daughter. You are the apple of his eye and he’s not going to withhold any good thing from you.

And also I feel like even maybe especially these days, multiple relationships is kind of the norm. It’s very rare that you marry your high school sweetheart and you date and marry that one person. It seems that many women have gone through lots of relationships before the Lord provides their husband. So and you speak to others. You hear that.

And Lynn, kind of segueing that segue to our next question. I would love to hear how the Lord encouraged you through the ups and downs of dating you. You were single until you said 39. So yeah, just personally, I’d love to hear what you learned through that.

Sure, He taught me a lot, a lot about trust, trusting Him, and helped me a lot with fear of man. So He taught me a lot about being content in Him and whether or not He was sufficient for my life. Did I really believe that or was it just something I said that I believed when I was brought to heal on this issue? So the Lord revealed to me, in fact, that perhaps I didn’t think that He was enough, that I had to have a husband in order to be happy and be content and be fulfilled. So that was a very good lesson for me.

And I still remember a long time ago when I was at Hollywood Presbyterian Church back in the day, ladies, when I first got saved and there was a pastor there by the name of Lloyd Ogilvy. And he probably got the same from someone else. But it always stuck with me because he said that you don’t really know that Jesus Christ is all you need until Jesus Christ is all you have. And that I thought was so profound and so true. And so God was teaching me that and showing me where is your contentedness truly length because it’s not in me. Obviously. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t pray and hope and want a husband. That doesn’t mean that. But of course, it’s what are your actions, What’s your heart like in the meantime when that’s not happening and he is withholding that from you for now, How are you trusting him and giving him your full focus and attention and being, like I said before, delighting in him. So whether or not I was going to resent life and not live it fully and not trust him, which one of those was I going to do waiting for this thing that I so desperately wanted? So that was a great lesson. And of course, I still need to learn that today. But that was really helpful for me then.

And then he also helped me over and over with fear of man. I still have fear of man. It’s one of those sins that I have to tackle very consistently because I like peace everywhere I go and I like joy and goodness and everybody to be happy. I have no sales resistance. I am one of those people where they can sell me oceanfront property in Arizona. I’m always tempted by those sales pitches that you get in the mail, like come and listen to our presentation and you’ll get a four day cruise out of it, airfare included. But I know what would happen to me. I’d be so determined. I wasn’t going to take the bait, but with me, I would buy the timeshare I’d I’d end up with the island too. I’m terrible that way. So I just hated to say no to people. And that transferred into my dating life.

And I still remember this person. I, I met him at a function and we had a pretty good conversation. I gave him my phone number, but I wasn’t really sure about it. And then the next morning, I was sure that I actually didn’t want to pursue anything and I didn’t want to go out On this date. Well, I was just decided that I’m just going to ignore the phone calls. Like I’m not going to show up and I’m just going to ignore the phone calls, right? So I told my friend about it. And this was my friend that I had during during the time that I was single, that we’re both single. She was very good for me because she was not afraid to say no and she would call me and she would really help me with that. And she said you just you have to call him and tell him no. I’ve changed my mind. If you have to face this and just say I decide decided I would prefer not to go on the state have a nice life. So I’m terrified because I think, OK, but if I call him and he answers, he’s going to talk me into it. I know he’ll talk me into it. People can talk me In the end things I really don’t want to go. So anyway I just prayed and I thought OK, I have to take the action and I have to get this over with. So God was merciful and I called white knuckled. I called and it was his voicemail. So I left a message girls, this is before texting. I left him a message and I just said I’m so sorry but I changed my mind and I need to cancel our date. I hope you have a wonderful life. I’ll see you in heaven. And that’s it.

Now, and I don’t know if I told this story before, but I almost wound up married because of fear of man. We I was dating this guy for a while. I thought it’s probably time for me to get married. Everybody expects it and so I’ll do it. Well, that ended terribly as we were going to elope at a friend’s house and he got there and I told him that I did not want to marry. Actually, I didn’t tell him. I hit upstairs and I made the pastor who was marrying us tell him that I didn’t want to marry him. It was a total mess. But you know what? I got that far. Because of my fear of man, I was actually going to just avoid it all together. Like get on a plane, fly to Botswana and let the whole thing blow over. But alas, the Lord told me that I had to face this and I had to deal with it.

So I learned a lot about that and I got, I got better. I was able to come to a place where I could freely say no, no thank you if I was asked out, like if I’m, I’m not interested, but no thank you and, and move along. But that was a huge lesson that the Lord taught me through the ups and downs of dating. So trusting him and being content and fear of man and, and also just those difficult feelings of wanting to date someone and liking that guy, but then not not being reciprocal and just going through, oh Lord, you know, why did you bring this person in that I really, really like, but now they’re not interested. Those were just really hard places. But I had to go back to believing God is on his throne. He sees everything that I don’t and I don’t know what he’s doing, but whatever he is doing, it is good and right and holy and perfect. And I can either accept that and press into that and submit to that and believe that, or I can rail against it and be miserable. So that was that was very, very helpful too, because that is an incredible, great lesson. And of course, hindsight is 2020, but those are lessons along the way, You know, especially with fear of man when you get married, you need to be able to communicate with your husband and you can’t be afraid to say the things that need to be said. So yes.

So I can just, you know, resonating with so many of those things. And I think for myself also learning not to place my hope and trust in a person, but making sure it is centered and secure in the Lord. And that way you can date without be, I guess having the highs and lows be too extreme because the Lord has, has got your heart in all of that. I also notice once you’ve been through enough experiences, you kind of mellow out a little bit, or at least I feel like that’s had that effect on me where I’m not as anxious now before each date or each phone call, I feel a little bit more natural and normal in my own skin. And that’s been a blessing because I know before, you know, anytime a zoom call was approaching, I’d be like, couldn’t sleep the night before. You just all wound up about how it was going to go. So I am so thankful that, you know, just have that measure of comfort now.

OK? We are going to switch gears, and we are going to speak to the women in this audience who have never had a boyfriend or maybe they’ve never even been asked on a date. And they feel completely invisible, passed over, missed in all of this. So what encouragement could you offer the woman who has that kind of pain in her heart?

Well, first of all, I would say if you have not had that kind of relationship, I would say just off the cuff, praise the Lord because God is protecting you from the situation and perhaps you cannot handle something and it would not turn out well. The Lord makes all of us very different. We have different personalities, we have different temperaments, we have different things that we could handle. Perhaps there’s a temptation that would be too much for you to bear. So those are all good reasons. And I think there are plenty of people who ended up marrying sort of the first person that they entered into a serious relationship with. Although Christi, you were saying that’s changing a little bit. It seems the trend is moving away from that, but they also could be older. And that’s a completely appropriate and good and right thing to have happen later on in your life.

So believe that God is doing the exact right thing for you in His sovereignty, in His perfect will for you. You are not passed over. You absolutely are not. It may seem like that, but I love this lesson that the Lord is teaching me. I can’t see what he’s doing. He is God. I am not let God be God because there’s all these things working out that I cannot see. I mean, we have to walk by faith and not by sight. And again, and I said this a lot of times on the podcast, but of course it always bears repeating. It doesn’t mean that it won’t happen tomorrow. You can be 35-36 and not have had a serious dating relationship, but that doesn’t mean that the Lord doesn’t have somebody for you and He’s been teaching you different things by your singleness. Everybody has a different process of sanctification that the Lord is working things out in your life and heart.

And I would say that it’s perfect. We have to remember that because God does all things perfectly and just I’ll just read Deuteronomy 32:4 the rock. His work is perfect. His work is perfect for all his ways are just a God of faithfulness and without injustice, righteous and upright is he. So everyone has a different journey. But if we believe that He’s perfect and that He will perfect that which concerns you, right? Psalm 138:8, the Lord will perfect that which concerns me. Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. And so there’s an intentionality behind the fact that you have not had a relationship yet.

And you know, there’s plenty of people in Scripture who feel like they were passed over, that God did not see them. But you know what it says? I love the there’s a name for the Lord. Hagar says it right when he meets her in her distress, having been cast out by Sarah, the Lord. She says he is the Lord who sees. So he course, he sees you. Of course he knows. But I would press into that and submit to that in God’s intentionality. And just again, it’s an opportunity to trust him.

You can, of course, go back and say to your friends, like we talked about before, is, is there anything that you see in me that might be contributing to it? Because I’m going to push that into marriage as well. You do sometimes have to ask your husband. He’ll probably tell you even without you asking, but you can say, you know, spiritually, even for instance, are there places that I need to, what do I need to work on what you see in me? He’ll he’ll also, you know, tell you those places that this could, this could probably use improvement. You know, I could use improvement here and you can use improvement here. So we, we need to be open to that as well.

Maybe you’re extremely standoffish. That could be an issue as well. Maybe you need to work a little bit more on on being just a little bit more outgoing or a little bit more welcoming. I know that that that can happen as well. But again, let me go back to you’re not going to mess up God sovereign plan for you. So there’s that. And then even in saying you might be a little standoffish, I think you have to just be careful to go down any reasons why this is not happening that you’re going to come up with a with a false reason why. So it’s, you know, are you in a good solid Bible believing church? Are you, do you have a friend group, A support group like Christi was talking about and people praying for you on this issue? Are your friends telling you the truth? Are they honest with you? Are you, are you available in your sphere and friendly? I mean, as Christians, I just have to say that completely. We should be the friendliest people on the planet. And I don’t mean going overboard or being, you know, flirtatious or something. I’m not talking about that, but I’m talking about a friendliness that invites the Saints, male or female, to be friendly with you.

Yeah, I I even have to work on this. I know that I could do a better job making eye contact with men, smiling, being approachable and available. So we all have areas of growth so we can all be working on that as we balance those twin truths of God is sovereign. I won’t miss his will, but we are also called to be putting off and putting on the right heart, the right mindset, the spiritual fruit. So there is that balance there. But I, I think a lot of the encouraging reminders that were given in the first part of this episode to the dating fatigue woman also apply to the woman who’s never dated you. You brought out protection that God could be protecting you. It’s the same thing. God could be protecting you for the right man.

And again, it just takes 1. So you don’t have to take 20 men. You know, it’s just one man that you are going to marry. So it’s that same, the same odds I guess. And you it gives you an opportunity to find your identity in the Lord and not in a relationship. Just like with the woman who is worn out by dating. Had to learn it that way. The Lord is teaching you through extended singleness without any dates or boyfriend to find your identity in him. So you’re learning so many of the same lessons, but I would say you’re also not missing out on much. You know, I have been through several heart breaks and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. And I didn’t, you know, expect that. I always pray the Lord like spare me from lots of dating. I just want to meet, marry one man. I prayed that ever since high school and the Lord had different plans for me, but it’s just yeah, I I wouldn’t see it as missing out exactly through those ups and. Downs.

Exactly. And that’s funny too, because, and I think I’ve said this before, but when I came to Grace Church from my former church, after the whole debacle with leaving the particular man at the altar, if you will, and switch churches, I did pray at that time. Lord, I don’t want to meet anyone who isn’t going to be my husband. And God was very kind to basically answer that prayer. But the hilarious thing is that after a couple of years, I was changing that prayer, sort of saying, wait a second, I’m not meeting anybody. I’m not meeting anybody. And I should have occurred to me. Well, you did pray that you would not have to do a bunch of dating before your actual husband. See how fickle we are, how fickle my heart is. It’s oh, do this, Lord, but Oh no, no, please do that and then do this, I tell you.

So true. We just trust and obey. We just have to continue trusting the Lord in His timing.

Well, Lynn, this has been a joy. You’ve just helped to stabilize our hearts and what can feel like such a tumultuous area of life, the ups and downs of dating, but just knowing that the Lord is in control. He loves us. He’s not withholding good. He is teaching us through these ups and downs. Those are the things that encourage us to keep going, to keep persevering, and to keep trusting Him and His plan for us.

Well, it’s been great being here. I love your podcast. And it’s just so much fun to try to encourage the hearts of the women because I know how, of course, how much it meant to me during that time.

And I will just read this little tiny sentence from this sweet little book on prayer called Praying Always by Franz Baker and my single friend who we both ended up getting married, but the one who helped me to cut off fear of man. Actually, she sent this to me a couple of weeks ago. And he just says in thankful prayer, patience means to endure willingly. Like someone who carries a burden on his back and doesn’t try to shake it off. He remains under the burden that God laid on him in his wisdom to the glory of Christ’s name. The situation is always for the well-being of the child of God, for he would rather bow under the cross than be without the cross. So there you go. Patience is to endure willingly, gals, and the Lord will reward your obedience, right? We can always promise that you will be rewarded for your obedience, so just remember that.

Sweet lesson to be learning right now. Thank you, Lynn. You’re welcome.